Life - Where you at?

[Marco]

I've had the opportunity to make some huge decisions regarding my life lately and I was kind of curious where everyone else was at in life around here?  Just finish college, start a career, married, still living at home, what?  I know most of you guys were still early teens when I started, so by my calculations, you should be finishing up college and what not right about now if you're going by the typical road map for success.

I'm going to do something I rarely do here and that is to open up my real life for a bit here.  These past few months have been crazy for me.  Right around the time I started making a campaign for the CC contest, I entered a relationship with someone that played a lot of head games.  Also, in another relationship since that time, some girl wanted to marry me.   To be honest, my life has never followed the typical road map.  I was never big on relationships since my mom was terminally ill till I was 26.  I just never got to see that side of life early on because I was always at her side.  I had a couple of smaller relationships, but my outlook on life was always somewhat grim and solitary, and it led to my relationships being short ones.  I grew up in misery and depression, though I always trying to put a positive outlook on things.  After she died, relationships were never high on my priority list.  And the girls I seem to meet are always trouble.

It was the same thing with my career path, I never really trained for anything.  I always did poorly in school in the years after I heard my mom was sick.  Whether it was depression or just laziness, I never had the motivation I needed to succeed.  My mom filled my head with religious and spiritual views, and as an impressionable youth, I listened and hung off every word.  I question most of those beliefs today, although I've adopted one life philosophy that makes sense to me, so I suppose that's all that matters - I got something out of it that could positively affect my life.  I'm sure moms intention was just that I find something that mattered and made sense to me.  In terms of making a livelihood - the truth of the matter is - I got lucky to find something that made some money, and fortunately, provided a lot of security up to this point.  Now that the business is fading, it's up to me and me alone to find something else to secure my future.  Luckily, my needs are few as are my expenses.  Anything will suffice, if I'm willing to settle for anything.  I don't think I am though.

With all that said, I find that finally pulling my head up, looking around at my life, I've missed a lot of typical things that most people would consider important, but I've also been given a unique perspective on life as a result.  Maybe that's just my way of rationalizing my 'lost youth' approaching 30, but I feel like I'm being honest with myself when I'm saying I have very few regrets.  Knowing what I know now, I would have done many things very differently since my teen years.  I probably never would of made this web site and would of just been one of those paying attention in school types and doing anything and everything to get perfect test scores so I could do good in college, blah blah blah.  But if I did that, I'd be a totally different person, perhaps more shallow, perhaps more sucessful, but definitely not the same person.  It's the sum of my experiences that made me the person I am to date, and for better or worse, that's the person I am to face everything from today onward.  Life has no reset button.

My future is more uncertain then ever.  I find myself at a crossroads almost weekly now, making choices that I know will have a profound impact on the rest of my life.  New business opportunities, new relationship opportunities, and creative opportunities abound.  Now more than ever, a part of me is desperately trying to hang on to this - this web site - this place of fictional realities - this place of ideas- this little side reality I made for myself to escape the real reality which was once too painful to face.  Only now, I hang on because I want to, not because I need to.  Now more than ever, my future hinges and is influenced by my choices and my choices alone.

My life is anything but typical.  What did you expect from the person who made a site like this and is still posting here 10 years later?

[trondor]

Woah, nice post, Desler.

I was here ten years ago, too. You had just released The Fenix when I started to check out this site. Afther that I have been on and off the 'mapmaking scene', so to say , made a few missions here, posted something there, but I was never a part of the community at the same level as you was. I am/was more of a lurker type.

Inspired by your post, i'll try to depict where i am at life;
My troubles started when I was around 14, I guess. I've always been introverted and thus not that good at social relations, and I was bullied at school. At the transition to junior highschool i lost my 'safety net', a good social enviroment. In this new unforgiving enviroment that is junior high I got bullied, to be frank, and when your labelled as a loser you often become frustrated and say/do stupid things. It's a slippery slope. I alienated myself from most of my peers.

I've come to hate the word psychosis, it's a woolly concept which are better at alienating then explaining, I like the term "deep confusion" better, but that was at least what happened to me. Psychosis often are surprisingly rational, but only from your perspective, and as most people, you don't always know why you do things. I become interested with the term 'winter depression', which belived myself to suffer from, and became obsessed with gathering data about sunsets, dawn, winter/summer and sunlight, I belived I needed sunlight to keep my depressive emotions away. Not such a bad idea really, but surreal from the outside. They, the people around me, only saw me gathering pointless data about pointless stuff, while I was ignoring my friends (and at the end losing them) and ignoring my grades.

Anyhoo, being mentally ill has formed much of my life. I went to a 'special' high school for people with mental illness, and most of those i associated with have had problems of some sort during their life. Now I am in an more 'normal' enviroment, meaning I study with people who don't suffer from anything (as far as I know). It's nice, and I'm happy. 


People say, however, that I am a 'safe haven' now, stable and secure. You learn alot from being around people with problems. Or so I guess.


Anyway,I just wanted to say nice post, Desler, and good luck with your life. Hope you're still gonna make awesome campaigns for us all to play when SC2 finally arrives

[IskatuMesk]

I'm 22 and I will never step foot in college. I dropped out of grade 11 many years ago and have never looked back.

Right now, life is a pretty big trainwreck. Years of mental problems and growing personality weaknesses have eroded my once infallible spirit and left me beaten and battered in a ditch. I never entertained the prospect of relationships or whatever; I have no intentions of ever getting involved with people in that way. It's for the best that I don't, as I am totally incompatible with other people anyway. I am a creature of hate and malice.

Recently I've realized that I have become much too serious. It's part of the whole mindset that destroyed my abilities as a modder or would-be modeler. Taking people too seriously, taking my work too seriously. I don't have fun anymore. Not with games, not with modding, writing, whatever. And that's a pretty big problem, because that's the only life I'll ever have - leeching off of the government and biding my time with what most people consider hobbies. Instead, these are my way of life. I can't abandon what I've become. This is what my life has become.

I think that my future is looking better then what it has many years ago. I will probably be unable to do any serious modding anymore, but I've realized many weaknesses in my personality and I think I'm on the road to healing my spirit. I will never have a place in society and I will never live the "normal life". I never wanted those things, though, so it doesn't bother me.

Recently one of our cats got really sick from the mold in the house. That brought back the realization of how frail life really is. I couldn't stand to lose another animal. It would bring everything to ruin. My loss several years ago still bothers me today.

I am banking my productive future on sc2. I can't model, I can't program, but it's all I've got. If the data editor is as powerful as I hope it is, I hope that community ties will allow me to fill in the holes and get back to work on my life's work.

I feel that the life of my current self is drawing to a close. I've reached the valley of darkness, so to speak. In order to move forward I'll have to evolve as a person if I hope to fight my disabilities and mod or write again. This will be a change similar to one I had when I dropped out of school. Instead of losing my values, though, I hope to bring back the carefree spirit I once had and enter a state of mind of total bliss and ignorance. I don't care for politics or social drama. I just want to mod again.

I recently had to shed ties to the last project I was assisting because its members were offensive and had something against me for quite a long time. I was obligated to help that project because the project leader help skinned some of my models (The Onslaught Juggernaut and Gahennas Dreadnaught, as well as the Tiamat that never got added into AO). But the attitude of the project members finally outweighed my personal obligation and I totally dropped support to that project and demanded they remove every trace of my work. It felt good. I don't like to jump ship like that, but it was necessary for me to move on. Now I have no ties to anyone anymore.

Depression and mental problems are a way of life. I've come to accept that. I need to focus on my strengths and forget about trying to make up for my weaknesses.

[tipereth]

School/work terms. Down time spent doing random awesome internships that have nothing to do with my major or random awesome research that has nothing to do with my major.

[Legion]

I'm not mentally ill and I didn't have a bad childhood. No valleys of darkness for me, just highs and lows and moderates. I've had the usual of divorced parents, dysfunctional relationships, bad grades. But I've got money and I look alright, I'm in shape and have a job and also a PS3.

Most importantly -- I've got soul, right?

I am of the opinion that life does have a reset button and I push it almost weekly.

[Marco]

Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger.  Can you imagine if they figured out a way to cure schizophrenia?  No one would ever be able to say anything to Mesk for the rest of his entire life that would phase him.  All the miniscule meaningless emotional problems that bug other people would seem insignificant before him.  I'm of the strong belief that those who are forged by suffering experience spiritual and mental development far beyond their years.  Of course, its all a matter of perspective.  While I may be 'strong' in many areas, I'm also 'weak' in many others.  Areas some people consider important and essential  - are meaningless to other people.

[Falchion]

My life has never been a life.  Just a bunch of things thrown together.  Modding was all I knew.  Just got into modelling.  Making slow advancement too.  Unfortunately, there was sacrifice, lots of it.  University was dropped off as result of my skills as modelling.  Leveled down social relationship and real-life opportunities were door-closed to me.  Most of the things I don't regret.

But the thing I definitely hate the most are my parents.  I love them and yet despise them for still blinding me into a "normal" life.  They want me to keep on the outsides with the outside cockroaches talking past their gayness levels, soccer and porn, the same cockroaches I've endured on high school.  Do my parents feel normal with that?  I once believed in them, and almost fell into the "normal" people trap.  But the real people outside have shown society's true colors.  Most call them idiots, vandals, rebels.  I call them Blinded.  So, between choosing that and what I've became, a stranger amongst many, a black sheep in a town of wolves, I've chose what I am.  I'm proud of it.  Others may loathe, spite and call me a crazy guy, a loony that should be left on his own.  I can live with that.  I did live.  So why change into something that'll make you a monster?

I still wonder if there's anyone besides me that is so faithful to himself, to his modding life, healthy and without constant crisis, like Mesk has.  I still wonder if there's someone else like me, alone and forced into surviving even against himself.  I knew on the hard way when I joined this world no one would lick or fondle me, so I had to do most things on my own.  If I'm not strong I'll fall.  If I'm alone, my dreams will fall.  That's why I always do something first before going to join up people, show them incontrovertible evidence that I can do something more than just spitting out words.  I've put my objectives ahead of everything.  And of that I'm proud, despite of what many think.

As for my future, I can tell it's uncertain, albeit I'm preparing for it.  As I told, I got into good modelling, and I have intention of going further for my dreams to come true.  If I did succeed in IceCC, I'll be ready for any code SC II will use.  If I did succeed in all areas in SCMDraft and StarEdit, the Galaxy Editor has a chance of being beaten.  In real-life terms, I'll do like I've always did, living off of anything I could find.  All but working amongst those blinded.  Never amongst those people.  I don't trust anyone anymore, my judgement can easily warn me if one's someone I can trust or a fool person, who thinks he's best than anyone.  Relationship with females will bring a larger level of responsibility, something I'm just not ready for, despite of the hopes my mother places her bet in.  I'll just be in my place.  Anyone tries to take it away from me will meet a violent fight.

In the end, I'm the willing rebel, someone that doesn't trust you for the simple fact he can thrust a knife in your back, and doesn't expect anyone to do the same.  I'm a underground game world Rorschach.  Never compromise.  Never get involved.  Never trust.  And even if I'm down in everything, even if I'm behind everyone, you'll always find me there.  I won't go without making noises.  And I scream a lot.

[Marco]

Normal is an oxymoronic word when you apply it to the beautiful and diverse human creature.  And the differences, I'm discovering, are paper thin.  Things I once considered outside my realm are now easy.  And people are amazingly easy to understand once you set aside your own emotions.

Ultimately, when I make my life changing choices at the end of the day, I don't have a desired result or preferred outcome.  I make the choices and see where they take me. 

[Whiplash!]

Everyone's favorite subject is their selves, but some people tend to produce interesting lives.

I'm just your average upper-middle class college student, most of my life I have gotten things when they were needed but my parents understood the value of hard work and made sure I did as well. You could say I enjoy nice things without being spoiled.

I have a competitive nature when it comes to things I am passionate about and want to enjoy. Maybe its because I want to prove I'm the best at something due to feelings of insecurity and wanting acceptance. Whatever, fuel for the fire. Too bad that + a lack of a social life in early high school lead to an addition in WoW which I would consider to be worse then most recreational drugs when you play it too much. On and off with that game for the past few years but I think for good I'm off. In college studying Digital Media so I can eventually work at Blizzard. Besides wow and some surgeries revolving my appendix and liver I have a decent life. Got loads of friends now, but still need a girlfriend!

[Rocco]

I'm just a normally crazy 16 year old, but very very depressed lately over someone close. School is easy and never been a problem I always have enjoyed it. I have a terrible relationship with my family and stick close to my good friends, losing friends hurts a lot when you don't have family to be close to.

[Legion]

My life has never been a life.  Just a bunch of things thrown together.  Modding was all I knew.  Just got into modelling.  Making slow advancement too.  Unfortunately, there was sacrifice, lots of it.  University was dropped off as result of my skills as modelling.  Leveled down social relationship and real-life opportunities were door-closed to me.  Most of the things I don't regret.

But the thing I definitely hate the most are my parents.  I love them and yet despise them for still blinding me into a "normal" life.  They want me to keep on the outsides with the outside cockroaches talking past their gayness levels, soccer and porn, the same cockroaches I've endured on high school.  Do my parents feel normal with that?  I once believed in them, and almost fell into the "normal" people trap.  But the real people outside have shown society's true colors.  Most call them idiots, vandals, rebels.  I call them Blinded.  So, between choosing that and what I've became, a stranger amongst many, a black sheep in a town of wolves, I've chose what I am.  I'm proud of it.  Others may loathe, spite and call me a crazy guy, a loony that should be left on his own.  I can live with that.  I did live.  So why change into something that'll make you a monster?

I still wonder if there's anyone besides me that is so faithful to himself, to his modding life, healthy and without constant crisis, like Mesk has.  I still wonder if there's someone else like me, alone and forced into surviving even against himself.  I knew on the hard way when I joined this world no one would lick or fondle me, so I had to do most things on my own.  If I'm not strong I'll fall.  If I'm alone, my dreams will fall.  That's why I always do something first before going to join up people, show them incontrovertible evidence that I can do something more than just spitting out words.  I've put my objectives ahead of everything.  And of that I'm proud, despite of what many think.

As for my future, I can tell it's uncertain, albeit I'm preparing for it.  As I told, I got into good modelling, and I have intention of going further for my dreams to come true.  If I did succeed in IceCC, I'll be ready for any code SC II will use.  If I did succeed in all areas in SCMDraft and StarEdit, the Galaxy Editor has a chance of being beaten.  In real-life terms, I'll do like I've always did, living off of anything I could find.  All but working amongst those blinded.  Never amongst those people.  I don't trust anyone anymore, my judgement can easily warn me if one's someone I can trust or a fool person, who thinks he's best than anyone.  Relationship with females will bring a larger level of responsibility, something I'm just not ready for, despite of the hopes my mother places her bet in.  I'll just be in my place.  Anyone tries to take it away from me will meet a violent fight.

In the end, I'm the willing rebel, someone that doesn't trust you for the simple fact he can thrust a knife in your back, and doesn't expect anyone to do the same.  I'm a underground game world Rorschach.  Never compromise.  Never get involved.  Never trust.  And even if I'm down in everything, even if I'm behind everyone, you'll always find me there.  I won't go without making noises.  And I scream a lot.

No offense, but that sounds typical of 16-25 year olds who spend a lot of time at the computer and abjugate emotional ups and downs. Seems to me like you're trying hard to come off as someone who has never known love or any connection with another human being.

Relationship with females will bring a larger level of responsibility

LOL! Yeah! I'm sorry, but the wording is a little funny to me.

Anyway, trusting No One sounds a little teenage-angsty. If I didn't think you'll get over it in a year or two, I'd say that it's a self-imposed state of isolation and you need to come alive! Instant resurrection!

Seriously, though, life (by our definition) is a bunch of things thrown together for everybody! Even people following Desler's roadmap are living on the edge every now and then. Don't worry if you feel like your life is lacking cohesion. It's supposed to be.

[Falchion]

No offense, but that sounds typical of 16-25 year olds who spend a lot of time at the computer and abjugate emotional ups and downs. Seems to me like you're trying hard to come off as someone who has never known love or any connection with another human being.

I'll take that as a comment.

LOL! Yeah! I'm sorry, but the wording is a little funny to me.

Anyway, trusting No One sounds a little teenage-angsty. If I didn't think you'll get over it in a year or two, I'd say that it's a self-imposed state of isolation and you need to come alive! Instant resurrection!

Seriously, though, life (by our definition) is a bunch of things thrown together for everybody! Even people following Desler's roadmap are living on the edge every now and then. Don't worry if you feel like your life is lacking cohesion. It's supposed to be.

If I do need, then tell me, why every time I try, I fail?

[Larc]

A strange 22y guy that works in a bar of his property...he has a girl,but he doesn't love her anymore
as she loves him. (and he hasn't the courage to tell her this)
He's tall (so much to cause him serious problems) and thin (idem),but also pessimistic and very asocial.
Always looks at the present and has no idea how it could be his future...
In his little free time,he stay in front of his constantly-upgraded PC or with the girl who doesn't seems to love.

Welcome to my "LIFE"

[Legion]

No offense, but that sounds typical of 16-25 year olds who spend a lot of time at the computer and abjugate emotional ups and downs. Seems to me like you're trying hard to come off as someone who has never known love or any connection with another human being.

I'll take that as a comment.

Probably because it was.

I can't explain to you why you fail (I'm not even sure what you mean -- fail at what?). If you're chemically directed to isolate yourself, I guess it's tough luck, but if you're purposely getting away from people just because you 'don't trust them', then I guess it's clear.

Trust is overrated, man. Grow a pair and rock the casbah.

Edit:

My well-developed social skills tell me that I may have offended you. Hmm. Waiting for my social skills to give me further instructions...

[Negi]

I'm  intensively learning math so I can one day be a professional mathematician.  I'm a sophomore at university.  I have over 30 hours of formal written homework each week.  I'm taking one undergraduate-level class in Analysis and Differential Topology.  I'm taking two graduate-level courses in Number Theory and Commutative Algebra.  I'm also auditing a third graduate-level course in Algebraic Geometry.  I probably spend 80-90 hours a week between classes, homework, and reading books on my own.  However, I've never had a girlfriend, and I don't go out due to my workload.  Because I don't, it follows that I probably won't have a girlfriend for a while.  You've gotta make concessions sometimes.