Loladins of Legend
Posted: Sat Aug 19, 2006 4:49 pm
Loladins of Legend
An extensive guide to the Universe, the Story, the People, and the AoS/Survival maps based off of them. To be updated over time.
Those who have access to the LoL AoS already know what it is and the very basics. Therefore, the intended features and stuff I'll skip posting right now. Instead I'll move on to more important things.
Good Versus Evil -
A classic battle of knights in shining armor and demons with burning pitch forks, twisted to ridiculous levels of inanity.
Loladins of Legend is an extension of the MFTG universe. As a result, it contains elements which may be offensive to younger or sensitive viewers. User castration is advised. All references to events, peoples, places, or objects of intellectucal property are entirely intentional. In no way should any possible references or terms be taken seriously. The views of the writing of this article and the projects associated with it do not represent my personal views. Take all things in moderation. Or don't, and explode into a pile of molten feces.
Touch my penis. Go on. Touch it!
Loladins of Legend is comprised of two very basic powers. First, there's the righteous Loladins, comparable to ancient paladins or crusaders or popes with very large hammers, the Loladins strive to preserve all that is good in the world, and protect Modern Earth from the Forces of Evil.
Incidentally, on the opposing spectrum, there's the Forces of Evil, a huge multi-culteral army comprised of everything from Ghetto-dwellers to massive demon dragons. The Forces of Evil strive to basically either freeze everything in miles of ice or light everything on fire. They have many possible ways to do this, although the Loladins stand against them at every turn.
The Battlefields
The current year is 2042.
The Earth
The universe revolves around the Earth. The modern world is considered flat. This is because the only inhabitable side of the earth happens to be exactly 4.5/8 of the planet. This is considered the one half of the planet. The other half few living men would dare venture into. The modern Earth is almost always bright and happy and full of goodness. The other side of the world, seperated from the good side by impassible mountain ranges and giant mutant cucumbers, is a frozen wasteland filled with evilness that are likely to rape you at first sight.
The edge of Goodness, or the ranges between the two sides, are considered neutral zones - often referred to as "The Ghost Range." Few living men go near the Ghost Ranges, for they are often just as dangerous as THE OTHER SIDE.
Beneath the soft, squishy surface of the Earth, there lies the Underworld. The underworld is a massive underground kingdom ruled by the three Demon Lords of Fire; Lord Jordan, Lord Mal`Gammagon, and Lord Bill. More on these fellows later. The Underworld is a ruineous landscape filled with molten rock, fire, and ash. Often brave adventurers get the bright idea to try to brave the underworld's challenges, but never come back alive. Never. Entrences to and from the Underworld extend to both reaches of the world, and are often used as routes used by travelling salesmen and demons. Gateways on the Good side of the planet are constantly watched over by lazy Loladins who eat doughnuts.
Beneath the Underworld is the FurtherUnderWorld, also known as The Center of the Earth. This is an even hotter slagpit connected to the Underworld by the only working elevator in existence. Trust me, the Loladins and humanity have spent DECADES trying to figure out why their elevators keep breaking down, but inevitably gave up on the concept and settled for escalators. It is thought that the giant elevator is guarded by a 42-headed dog, named Lollerbrus. It is thought that for every head Lollerbrus has, he has eaten a Loladin. He stopped at 42 for obvious reasons, and this gave him his name. Why 42 Loladins even attempted to go down the elevator to microsoft is unknown, and it's likely no one mourned their loss.
The Good side of the world is called Earth, while the darker side is often referred to as "The Cold Place". Every so often (usually 100-1000 years), the Sun moves in to block the light from the moon, creating a massive lunar eclipse that creates an event referred to as "Winter". Winter is greatly feared, because it is most often during Winter that Evil is most active.
The human capitol is Lolimpius, a floating city that hovers around 200 meters off the ground, surrounded by an even larger castle-fortess called Lome. This huge monument is the largest and most significant bastion of goodness in the universe. Lolimpius is shaped like a giant holy battle hammer and is many hundreds of miles in diameter. It is defended by an extensive Knight's Guild, hearty peasants, and the Loladins.
Surrounding Lome is various farms and assorted castles connected to a sophisticated network of communication called the Interweb. The internet, the Interweb's previous incarnation, was crashed in 1969 by an atomic bomb that EMP'd the entire system. Since then, the Loladins have been forced to use cotton strings to transmit the Interweb's various pulses of information across the Modern Earth. Such a process makes downloading pornography very difficult, as the maximum speed you can achieve on a cotton string is apparently apalling.
In 1942 the sun travelled over Modern Earth and sparked much fear and panic, for worry of another huge demon invasion (the largest was in 0042), but soon the sun disappeared and a single demon was reported to "kill himself laughing" at the gates of Lolimpius.
The Sun
The Sun is a frozen wasteland, supposedly capable of bending time around itself. It's here that the head of all evil, the God of Doom, lies in dormant slumber, awaiting to be reborn. The Sun is so cold, so barren, that no mere man can set foot upon its surface without instantly being turned into a frozen twinkie. The Sun is permanently scarred by the creation of the Seven Demon Lords, of which the God of Doom commands regularily to perform evil tasks, such as force the world to watch american television.
In 1469 the Loladins laid siege to a chunk of ice floating around the sun to destroy a transmission facility responsible for broadcasting "American Idol", one of the many weapons deployed by Lord Dread. Unfortunately, Lord Dread reconstructed the facility in 1642, deep within the surface of a massive frozen fortress, and was reported to "moon" the Earth from many lightyears away as the Loladins were incapable of destroying this new facility.
The Seven Demon Lords
Lord Dread
Lord Dread is a massive bone dragon that controls the surface world of the Sun. The frozen world has given him a rather nasty outlook on life, as well as giving him a massive range of resources with which to plot and scheme with.
Lord Isador
Lord Isador, or the Lord of Shadows, lives on another world, Mars, which is red and burning and quite evil. Isador commands a massive army called the Isadorian Legion, although many argue the true name of his legion is the Carebear Legion, due to their extremely unsafe and often unfair methods of dealing with mortals. The Isadorians are reptilian and have an unsatiable lust for blood, supposedly brought on by Isador's visit to a dating agency.
Lord Bill
Lord Bill is a giant Emu whom of which lives for one reason, and one reason only - to steal pie. That's right. The life essence of the Loladins is constantly in jepordy of this oversized Emu. Bill's position can never be pinpointed, for he constantly evades survey and media interviews. The lengths that Bill will go to to steal pie are endless and increasingly twisted.
Lord Jordan
LORD JORDAN IS A FUCKING TRAITOR GOD I HATE THAT ASSHOLE
Lord Mal`Gammagon
It is said that this massive burning dragon-thing is the King of the Underworld, and that he exists purely to sit upon his massive burning throne and light people on fire. Pleasant guy.
Lord DEATH
Lord Death carries around a huge scythe and hits people with it, cackling madly as he does so. His origins, or reason for why he's such a bully, are unknown.
Lord C'Ten GalaxyDrake
C'Ten is a completely original creation, at least according to his court statements. This draconic, robotic, and insectoid manifestation is thought to be responsible for the mass suicides and irritated sleeping of colonists who drift too far to the Ghost Range, where he lurks.
Amongst the seven Demon Lords are an infinite number of lesser evils that the God of Doom or his servants can call upon.
The Moon
The Moon is made out of glowing cheese and provides warmth and life for the Earth. The moon constantly shines on Modern Earth and never moves to intercept the dreary Cold Place for fear of being blown out of the sky by a huge slingshot. On the Moon a huge underground Loladin fortress provides maintenance and service for the Lolhammer, the Loladin Command Ship. It is also speculated that the Loladins have a massive Holy Laser situated on the moon, to one day use to blast the Sun to tiny pieces, although constant problems with lackies have continually delayed its developement.
The Moon has never been attacked by the Forces of Evil, for the only way to safely approach it is onboard the Lolhammer itself.
The Lolhammer
A city-sized battlecruiser in the shape of a giant warhammer. The Lolhammer is used to ferry Loladin forces to where ever they may be called, and is capable of fighting most Demon artifacts without worry. Unfortunately, since Loladin elevators are cursed, the only transportation throughout the vessel is escalators, making it extremely time-consuming and often devastating to get from the bridge to the rest rooms.
Pluto
Pluto is a giant demon space cannon often used to take pot shots at the Lolhammer. Pluto is where the God of Doom was defeated by Sir Lol in a game of chess, which incidentally killed him and forced him into his current state, in 042. It's common knowledge that anyone who gets close to Pluto is likely to get shot by a giant laser and melt in an extremely horrible and painful fashion.
Pluto constantly moves around in an effort to track any possible targets on Earth or the moon, and lately has become increasingly aggressive.
The Mars Battle Station
Between the Earth and the freezing wasteland known as the Sun is the hottest place in the known universe - Mars. At first glance, Mars appears as a massive red fireball, but it is in fact an extremely heavily fortified Bloodstone mine that has been converted into a space fortress by the demonic Isadorians. The Bloodstone mine, the only known source of the precious element, is covered in massive refineries and battlements hardened by thousands of years of service.
Deep in the fortress lies yet another horror - a large shipyard, used to construct the greatest war machine of all time - the Sewpah Battal Croozah.
The Sewpah Battal Croozah is designed to be able to assault the Lolhammer or Earth from any possible distance or angle with its ingenius "Mega Nuke Cannon" that super-accelerates atomic energy to ridiculous speeds. The construction of this vessel has remained secret for many hundreds of years, although someone seemed to have spilled the can of beans on the hood, and the Loladins discovered its existence.
Even then, the Isadorians remain confident in their burning fortress, devouring twinkies by the trillions every day to celebrate their prosperity and strength.
Major LoL historic Events
000 - Dawn of recorded time. Sir Lol is born from a shooting star that crashes into a nursery and kills hundreds. He is deemed a holy saint.
024 - Sir Lol is deemed King of Modern Earth due to his righteous exploits and the uniting of the eight nations of humanity. He seeks to expand his kingdom to the other side of the world.
030 - The first sign of Evil. Sir Lol's expedition forces cannot cross what is then called the Circle of Giants, and is now known as the Ghost Range. Only possible way to the other side of the world is through a huge river that travels across the Ghost Range. This expedition is obliterated by an Undead fleet of warships that had been amassing for an attack.
033 - Forces of Evil launch a large fleet of skeletal warships across the Path of Sorrows, the river in which their first encounter had taken place. The aftermath is devastating.
034 - The Knight's Guild is founded, humanity's first united army. The Knight's Guild marches to counter a demon landing party close to the Circle of Giants.
035 - The Knight's Guild crushes the demons in early spring. The pilgrims celebrate by drinking lots of wine.
036 - Sir Lol founds the Loladins. Only Seven Knights are worthy enough to be crowned as Loladins, righteous protectors and generals. Loladins have to undertake grueling chess championships to be eligeable to become a Loladin. Each of the Seven Knight's finalles take no less than 2 weeks a game, without rest, to beat their advesary.
037 - Evil is spotted once more. This time a second fleet approaches from the southern Path of Sorrow, and a massive cave forms in the north, spewing even more of the demons. The Knight's Guild races to intercept the both of them as they rape and ravage and pillage and burn and destroy and plunder and get wasted.
038 - Even more demons are spotted from additional underground passages. The Knight's Guild destroys the southern landing but has to retreat back. Lome is already being marched on by a LOL BACKDOOR.
039 - Lome is barely saved as the Knight's Guild and the eight Loladins destroy the demons just as they break down the city walls. Preparations are made for the onslaught that awaits them from the north, west, and east. The pilgrims celebrate their victory by drinking even more wine.
040 -
An enormous demon army under leadership of the Anti-Christ, Richard Simmons, spends weeks to construct a massive burning pentagram out of the bodies of fallen humans. Soon after the altar is lit aflame, the avatar of what is now known to be the God of Doom is summoned and makes the following announcement.
"Ye shalt burn."
Then, the Avatar disappears, and the armies attacked. Lome is sieged for 42 days and 42 nights before the demon forces manage to break inside. Sir Lol and his trusty Loladins organize their forces to the floating city of Lolimpius for their final stand.
041 - Just as the demons prepare to lay siege at the end of winter, Sir Lol recieves a blessing from God himself. Out of nothing but a freshly baked pie springs a massive, brightly-adorned pony, no smaller than a cathedral! The mighty Pony is joined by five others and rush to face the approaching demon hordes. These divine beings prove unstoppable and completely destroy the first offensive.
The second offensive is joined by royal servants of death itself, great burning dragons that fly without flesh nor muscle, descending into the city and lighting shit on fire. The ponies and the shadow dragons engage in an immortal conflict as the Knight's Guild and the Loladins face off in an epic struggle for survival.
The strength of the Ponies and the extremely organized human defenses prove to be too much for the demon army and force it back a second time. What is to come after is a grueling siege as the demons lob giant blocks of hardened cheese, which rot in the heat of summer
At the dead of winter, the armies reach a stalemate in the ruined city of Lome. An epic duel between Richard Simmons and Sir Lol takes place as the two battle-weary armies watch on. The two leaders go head-to-head in a chess match that lasts nearly a month. Sir Lol comes out victorious, immediately causing the attacking demon armies to explode into molten feces.
042 -
Just as the peasants begin rebuilding their beloved city and removing endless tons of feces from their streets, yet another demon army approaches. This time they come from the sky, in a huge battleship comprised of shining red metal. Sir Lol somehow transforms the Loladin headquarters into a Giant Robot and intercepts the battlecruiser. It was a trick, however, to lure the Loladins into the cold, pink reaches of Space.
Sir Lol and his most trusted knights and Loladins chase the battlecruiser for weeks through giant chunks of cheese, tofu, and old newspapers, always one step behind the demon machine. Then, suddenly, Sir Lol's forces are one day surrounded by a fleet of these machines, and a giant laser gun - Pluto.
The battle was nothing short of a blockbuster epic. The Giant Robot was mighty, but after continual verbal attacks and several lawsuits and even a divorce hearing, Sir Lol realized he was outgunned, outmanned, and out of coffee. He had only one chance left - he challenged the leader of the demon forces to a duel.
Out of the sweeping darkness came the greatest of all evil, a dragon so massive and so evil that his very presence could twist the minds of those around him. During the short period of a stalemate, Sir Lol's most trusted ally, Sir Jordan, turned on Good. Jordan ransacked the twinkie factory aboard the Giant Robot and set explosive devices throughout the machine's weapon systems, then made a daring ape escape out of a cannon. Since then he has been forever feared and hated for the sheer amount of twinkies he had stolen, of which he gave to the demons as proof of his allegience.
The God of Doom was no rookie in the art of Chess. Their battle lasted for months and months, two divine minds set against each other on an equal playing field. Then, by a stroke of sheer luck, Lord Doom overlooked a slight error in his strategy, and Sir Lol captured his king with his pawn. By the laws of the universe, it sealed the God of Doom in a tomb of ice until the day he could drink the blood of pure righteousness, and the demon ships exploded. Pluto, however, did not explode. It was not under Doom's direct control. Instead, it began powering up a giant MEGA LAZER pointed straight at the defenseless Giant Robot. With little time to spare, Sir Lol summoned a miracle and detonated the Giant Robot's engine systems, nudging it out of the way of the giant laser beam which flailed into the distance to claim Mexico in burning hellfire.
The journey back home was painful, slow, and involving blowing up a lot of parts, while dodging huge laser beams that always found something to hit.
An extensive guide to the Universe, the Story, the People, and the AoS/Survival maps based off of them. To be updated over time.
Those who have access to the LoL AoS already know what it is and the very basics. Therefore, the intended features and stuff I'll skip posting right now. Instead I'll move on to more important things.
Good Versus Evil -
A classic battle of knights in shining armor and demons with burning pitch forks, twisted to ridiculous levels of inanity.
Loladins of Legend is an extension of the MFTG universe. As a result, it contains elements which may be offensive to younger or sensitive viewers. User castration is advised. All references to events, peoples, places, or objects of intellectucal property are entirely intentional. In no way should any possible references or terms be taken seriously. The views of the writing of this article and the projects associated with it do not represent my personal views. Take all things in moderation. Or don't, and explode into a pile of molten feces.
Touch my penis. Go on. Touch it!
Loladins of Legend is comprised of two very basic powers. First, there's the righteous Loladins, comparable to ancient paladins or crusaders or popes with very large hammers, the Loladins strive to preserve all that is good in the world, and protect Modern Earth from the Forces of Evil.
Incidentally, on the opposing spectrum, there's the Forces of Evil, a huge multi-culteral army comprised of everything from Ghetto-dwellers to massive demon dragons. The Forces of Evil strive to basically either freeze everything in miles of ice or light everything on fire. They have many possible ways to do this, although the Loladins stand against them at every turn.
The Battlefields
The current year is 2042.
The Earth
The universe revolves around the Earth. The modern world is considered flat. This is because the only inhabitable side of the earth happens to be exactly 4.5/8 of the planet. This is considered the one half of the planet. The other half few living men would dare venture into. The modern Earth is almost always bright and happy and full of goodness. The other side of the world, seperated from the good side by impassible mountain ranges and giant mutant cucumbers, is a frozen wasteland filled with evilness that are likely to rape you at first sight.
The edge of Goodness, or the ranges between the two sides, are considered neutral zones - often referred to as "The Ghost Range." Few living men go near the Ghost Ranges, for they are often just as dangerous as THE OTHER SIDE.
Beneath the soft, squishy surface of the Earth, there lies the Underworld. The underworld is a massive underground kingdom ruled by the three Demon Lords of Fire; Lord Jordan, Lord Mal`Gammagon, and Lord Bill. More on these fellows later. The Underworld is a ruineous landscape filled with molten rock, fire, and ash. Often brave adventurers get the bright idea to try to brave the underworld's challenges, but never come back alive. Never. Entrences to and from the Underworld extend to both reaches of the world, and are often used as routes used by travelling salesmen and demons. Gateways on the Good side of the planet are constantly watched over by lazy Loladins who eat doughnuts.
Beneath the Underworld is the FurtherUnderWorld, also known as The Center of the Earth. This is an even hotter slagpit connected to the Underworld by the only working elevator in existence. Trust me, the Loladins and humanity have spent DECADES trying to figure out why their elevators keep breaking down, but inevitably gave up on the concept and settled for escalators. It is thought that the giant elevator is guarded by a 42-headed dog, named Lollerbrus. It is thought that for every head Lollerbrus has, he has eaten a Loladin. He stopped at 42 for obvious reasons, and this gave him his name. Why 42 Loladins even attempted to go down the elevator to microsoft is unknown, and it's likely no one mourned their loss.
The Good side of the world is called Earth, while the darker side is often referred to as "The Cold Place". Every so often (usually 100-1000 years), the Sun moves in to block the light from the moon, creating a massive lunar eclipse that creates an event referred to as "Winter". Winter is greatly feared, because it is most often during Winter that Evil is most active.
The human capitol is Lolimpius, a floating city that hovers around 200 meters off the ground, surrounded by an even larger castle-fortess called Lome. This huge monument is the largest and most significant bastion of goodness in the universe. Lolimpius is shaped like a giant holy battle hammer and is many hundreds of miles in diameter. It is defended by an extensive Knight's Guild, hearty peasants, and the Loladins.
Surrounding Lome is various farms and assorted castles connected to a sophisticated network of communication called the Interweb. The internet, the Interweb's previous incarnation, was crashed in 1969 by an atomic bomb that EMP'd the entire system. Since then, the Loladins have been forced to use cotton strings to transmit the Interweb's various pulses of information across the Modern Earth. Such a process makes downloading pornography very difficult, as the maximum speed you can achieve on a cotton string is apparently apalling.
In 1942 the sun travelled over Modern Earth and sparked much fear and panic, for worry of another huge demon invasion (the largest was in 0042), but soon the sun disappeared and a single demon was reported to "kill himself laughing" at the gates of Lolimpius.
The Sun
The Sun is a frozen wasteland, supposedly capable of bending time around itself. It's here that the head of all evil, the God of Doom, lies in dormant slumber, awaiting to be reborn. The Sun is so cold, so barren, that no mere man can set foot upon its surface without instantly being turned into a frozen twinkie. The Sun is permanently scarred by the creation of the Seven Demon Lords, of which the God of Doom commands regularily to perform evil tasks, such as force the world to watch american television.
In 1469 the Loladins laid siege to a chunk of ice floating around the sun to destroy a transmission facility responsible for broadcasting "American Idol", one of the many weapons deployed by Lord Dread. Unfortunately, Lord Dread reconstructed the facility in 1642, deep within the surface of a massive frozen fortress, and was reported to "moon" the Earth from many lightyears away as the Loladins were incapable of destroying this new facility.
The Seven Demon Lords
Lord Dread
Lord Dread is a massive bone dragon that controls the surface world of the Sun. The frozen world has given him a rather nasty outlook on life, as well as giving him a massive range of resources with which to plot and scheme with.
Lord Isador
Lord Isador, or the Lord of Shadows, lives on another world, Mars, which is red and burning and quite evil. Isador commands a massive army called the Isadorian Legion, although many argue the true name of his legion is the Carebear Legion, due to their extremely unsafe and often unfair methods of dealing with mortals. The Isadorians are reptilian and have an unsatiable lust for blood, supposedly brought on by Isador's visit to a dating agency.
Lord Bill
Lord Bill is a giant Emu whom of which lives for one reason, and one reason only - to steal pie. That's right. The life essence of the Loladins is constantly in jepordy of this oversized Emu. Bill's position can never be pinpointed, for he constantly evades survey and media interviews. The lengths that Bill will go to to steal pie are endless and increasingly twisted.
Lord Jordan
LORD JORDAN IS A FUCKING TRAITOR GOD I HATE THAT ASSHOLE
Lord Mal`Gammagon
It is said that this massive burning dragon-thing is the King of the Underworld, and that he exists purely to sit upon his massive burning throne and light people on fire. Pleasant guy.
Lord DEATH
Lord Death carries around a huge scythe and hits people with it, cackling madly as he does so. His origins, or reason for why he's such a bully, are unknown.
Lord C'Ten GalaxyDrake
C'Ten is a completely original creation, at least according to his court statements. This draconic, robotic, and insectoid manifestation is thought to be responsible for the mass suicides and irritated sleeping of colonists who drift too far to the Ghost Range, where he lurks.
Amongst the seven Demon Lords are an infinite number of lesser evils that the God of Doom or his servants can call upon.
The Moon
The Moon is made out of glowing cheese and provides warmth and life for the Earth. The moon constantly shines on Modern Earth and never moves to intercept the dreary Cold Place for fear of being blown out of the sky by a huge slingshot. On the Moon a huge underground Loladin fortress provides maintenance and service for the Lolhammer, the Loladin Command Ship. It is also speculated that the Loladins have a massive Holy Laser situated on the moon, to one day use to blast the Sun to tiny pieces, although constant problems with lackies have continually delayed its developement.
The Moon has never been attacked by the Forces of Evil, for the only way to safely approach it is onboard the Lolhammer itself.
The Lolhammer
A city-sized battlecruiser in the shape of a giant warhammer. The Lolhammer is used to ferry Loladin forces to where ever they may be called, and is capable of fighting most Demon artifacts without worry. Unfortunately, since Loladin elevators are cursed, the only transportation throughout the vessel is escalators, making it extremely time-consuming and often devastating to get from the bridge to the rest rooms.
Pluto
Pluto is a giant demon space cannon often used to take pot shots at the Lolhammer. Pluto is where the God of Doom was defeated by Sir Lol in a game of chess, which incidentally killed him and forced him into his current state, in 042. It's common knowledge that anyone who gets close to Pluto is likely to get shot by a giant laser and melt in an extremely horrible and painful fashion.
Pluto constantly moves around in an effort to track any possible targets on Earth or the moon, and lately has become increasingly aggressive.
The Mars Battle Station
Between the Earth and the freezing wasteland known as the Sun is the hottest place in the known universe - Mars. At first glance, Mars appears as a massive red fireball, but it is in fact an extremely heavily fortified Bloodstone mine that has been converted into a space fortress by the demonic Isadorians. The Bloodstone mine, the only known source of the precious element, is covered in massive refineries and battlements hardened by thousands of years of service.
Deep in the fortress lies yet another horror - a large shipyard, used to construct the greatest war machine of all time - the Sewpah Battal Croozah.
The Sewpah Battal Croozah is designed to be able to assault the Lolhammer or Earth from any possible distance or angle with its ingenius "Mega Nuke Cannon" that super-accelerates atomic energy to ridiculous speeds. The construction of this vessel has remained secret for many hundreds of years, although someone seemed to have spilled the can of beans on the hood, and the Loladins discovered its existence.
Even then, the Isadorians remain confident in their burning fortress, devouring twinkies by the trillions every day to celebrate their prosperity and strength.
Major LoL historic Events
000 - Dawn of recorded time. Sir Lol is born from a shooting star that crashes into a nursery and kills hundreds. He is deemed a holy saint.
024 - Sir Lol is deemed King of Modern Earth due to his righteous exploits and the uniting of the eight nations of humanity. He seeks to expand his kingdom to the other side of the world.
030 - The first sign of Evil. Sir Lol's expedition forces cannot cross what is then called the Circle of Giants, and is now known as the Ghost Range. Only possible way to the other side of the world is through a huge river that travels across the Ghost Range. This expedition is obliterated by an Undead fleet of warships that had been amassing for an attack.
033 - Forces of Evil launch a large fleet of skeletal warships across the Path of Sorrows, the river in which their first encounter had taken place. The aftermath is devastating.
034 - The Knight's Guild is founded, humanity's first united army. The Knight's Guild marches to counter a demon landing party close to the Circle of Giants.
035 - The Knight's Guild crushes the demons in early spring. The pilgrims celebrate by drinking lots of wine.
036 - Sir Lol founds the Loladins. Only Seven Knights are worthy enough to be crowned as Loladins, righteous protectors and generals. Loladins have to undertake grueling chess championships to be eligeable to become a Loladin. Each of the Seven Knight's finalles take no less than 2 weeks a game, without rest, to beat their advesary.
037 - Evil is spotted once more. This time a second fleet approaches from the southern Path of Sorrow, and a massive cave forms in the north, spewing even more of the demons. The Knight's Guild races to intercept the both of them as they rape and ravage and pillage and burn and destroy and plunder and get wasted.
038 - Even more demons are spotted from additional underground passages. The Knight's Guild destroys the southern landing but has to retreat back. Lome is already being marched on by a LOL BACKDOOR.
039 - Lome is barely saved as the Knight's Guild and the eight Loladins destroy the demons just as they break down the city walls. Preparations are made for the onslaught that awaits them from the north, west, and east. The pilgrims celebrate their victory by drinking even more wine.
040 -
An enormous demon army under leadership of the Anti-Christ, Richard Simmons, spends weeks to construct a massive burning pentagram out of the bodies of fallen humans. Soon after the altar is lit aflame, the avatar of what is now known to be the God of Doom is summoned and makes the following announcement.
"Ye shalt burn."
Then, the Avatar disappears, and the armies attacked. Lome is sieged for 42 days and 42 nights before the demon forces manage to break inside. Sir Lol and his trusty Loladins organize their forces to the floating city of Lolimpius for their final stand.
041 - Just as the demons prepare to lay siege at the end of winter, Sir Lol recieves a blessing from God himself. Out of nothing but a freshly baked pie springs a massive, brightly-adorned pony, no smaller than a cathedral! The mighty Pony is joined by five others and rush to face the approaching demon hordes. These divine beings prove unstoppable and completely destroy the first offensive.
The second offensive is joined by royal servants of death itself, great burning dragons that fly without flesh nor muscle, descending into the city and lighting shit on fire. The ponies and the shadow dragons engage in an immortal conflict as the Knight's Guild and the Loladins face off in an epic struggle for survival.
The strength of the Ponies and the extremely organized human defenses prove to be too much for the demon army and force it back a second time. What is to come after is a grueling siege as the demons lob giant blocks of hardened cheese, which rot in the heat of summer
At the dead of winter, the armies reach a stalemate in the ruined city of Lome. An epic duel between Richard Simmons and Sir Lol takes place as the two battle-weary armies watch on. The two leaders go head-to-head in a chess match that lasts nearly a month. Sir Lol comes out victorious, immediately causing the attacking demon armies to explode into molten feces.
042 -
Just as the peasants begin rebuilding their beloved city and removing endless tons of feces from their streets, yet another demon army approaches. This time they come from the sky, in a huge battleship comprised of shining red metal. Sir Lol somehow transforms the Loladin headquarters into a Giant Robot and intercepts the battlecruiser. It was a trick, however, to lure the Loladins into the cold, pink reaches of Space.
Sir Lol and his most trusted knights and Loladins chase the battlecruiser for weeks through giant chunks of cheese, tofu, and old newspapers, always one step behind the demon machine. Then, suddenly, Sir Lol's forces are one day surrounded by a fleet of these machines, and a giant laser gun - Pluto.
The battle was nothing short of a blockbuster epic. The Giant Robot was mighty, but after continual verbal attacks and several lawsuits and even a divorce hearing, Sir Lol realized he was outgunned, outmanned, and out of coffee. He had only one chance left - he challenged the leader of the demon forces to a duel.
Out of the sweeping darkness came the greatest of all evil, a dragon so massive and so evil that his very presence could twist the minds of those around him. During the short period of a stalemate, Sir Lol's most trusted ally, Sir Jordan, turned on Good. Jordan ransacked the twinkie factory aboard the Giant Robot and set explosive devices throughout the machine's weapon systems, then made a daring ape escape out of a cannon. Since then he has been forever feared and hated for the sheer amount of twinkies he had stolen, of which he gave to the demons as proof of his allegience.
The God of Doom was no rookie in the art of Chess. Their battle lasted for months and months, two divine minds set against each other on an equal playing field. Then, by a stroke of sheer luck, Lord Doom overlooked a slight error in his strategy, and Sir Lol captured his king with his pawn. By the laws of the universe, it sealed the God of Doom in a tomb of ice until the day he could drink the blood of pure righteousness, and the demon ships exploded. Pluto, however, did not explode. It was not under Doom's direct control. Instead, it began powering up a giant MEGA LAZER pointed straight at the defenseless Giant Robot. With little time to spare, Sir Lol summoned a miracle and detonated the Giant Robot's engine systems, nudging it out of the way of the giant laser beam which flailed into the distance to claim Mexico in burning hellfire.
The journey back home was painful, slow, and involving blowing up a lot of parts, while dodging huge laser beams that always found something to hit.