A secret darkly; last will, explanation and testament.
Posted: Wed May 06, 2009 4:18 pm
For all these months you've seen me only as wanderer on this site as well as the development thread for the Sons of War project. I've done nothing but watch, just that. No new voice acting, no new big projects or anything related to my current ones, Fateway and Duality. Just watching.
The matter is, before I ever did something like that, I suffered from constant existencial crysis. Today it's the same, but the pace slowed down considerably. I suffered in not being able to do any great things ever on my own. I always did quit when things went on the bad side. It still is today, with university and social stuff.
What I'm telling now is something I've been suffering from hiding all these years, but I'm only doing this because I'm planning to cut every string from virtual existance soon. Yes, I'll leave. In disgrace, yet I'm leaving. Forever.
The truth is: I'm not who you think you are. And I'm not talking about I'm some important guy, or rich one, whatever, I'm not that. It's that I'm weak. I'll always be.
I've been away from every Starcraft related thing because, in order for my chance to improve my skills, I had to choose being someone I and you wouldn't like to be. I chose to mod Red Alert 3. Yes, an EA game. That's it, Mesk, shout it loud, I'm saying this, 'coz ranting you or not, I'll forever leave. Won't do anything more related to computers.
The worst of it is, I did right under your noses. Well, not exactly. I've created a second identity in order to not be discovered by you. I created Medici, the leader for the only RA3 brazilian project ever done, Southern Rising.
But that's not the concern, you Meta, and even other people would think I'm a retard just for telling that.
And you are right.
I am a retard in every way you'd ever imagine. It's because of my hyper-active imagination. Such is the price of the curse that is my creativity. I walk mindlessly everywhere from one side to another. I talk alone, only to myself. I don't get out of my house, unless going to university. That's what I am.
But the worst of these things is, I've told you, I'm weak. I quit easily on things. That's why my university living's a crap, as well as my social life and Starcraft modding. I'll never have anything great you giants have. I'll never have Mesk's determination, SgtHK's graphic skills, Meta's dynamism in diversity on his campaigns, Magic's great voice acting, or even my father's humour or willfulness to talk. I've never asked for your help because I think I'd be weak before you in asking that.
But the reason you'll not see me quit on the RA3 mod is because I've arranged a team to work on it. I can't just leave them now, I couldn't bear to break their hearts whe they've worked so hardly on it. That's what I'm considering as my last work on the modding community ever. I'll just finish it and I'll be leaving forever.
Now, a few last words to some people I'd like to share:
MESK: Sorry I had to do this on your back, I mean, you hating nearly everything EA had done and such.
META: I'm truly sorry having to leave you when you wanted me to model for your SC II projects, I really do. But I guess it's best that way.
SGTHK: I'm still owning you those voice actings to the SOW project. Well, consider this my quitting letter. And you can shout with me and such, I didn't asked you for help nor even told you or my team of what I was doing.
And finally, I speak to you, Gaius Octavian, my character and most faithful, one who I only put on paper. I'm sorry to fail you in such way. I wrote of a Code of Honor when I had no honor. I left you standing in favor of other projects. I'm disgraced with myself. You should feel that way.
Well, that's it. That's what I am. A retard, an idiot, a pussy, and a man who wanted nothing more but a fame I never deserved.
At least, just take a look on the mod gallery, the high poly models, as a proof of what I've done, before any jackass says it's just a story:
http://www.moddb.com/mods/red-alert-3-southern-rising/images
I don't want any honor or such. I don't want any memorial. All I ask of you is this: Forget you ever known me. That at least will make some good for you.
Farewell.
The matter is, before I ever did something like that, I suffered from constant existencial crysis. Today it's the same, but the pace slowed down considerably. I suffered in not being able to do any great things ever on my own. I always did quit when things went on the bad side. It still is today, with university and social stuff.
What I'm telling now is something I've been suffering from hiding all these years, but I'm only doing this because I'm planning to cut every string from virtual existance soon. Yes, I'll leave. In disgrace, yet I'm leaving. Forever.
The truth is: I'm not who you think you are. And I'm not talking about I'm some important guy, or rich one, whatever, I'm not that. It's that I'm weak. I'll always be.
I've been away from every Starcraft related thing because, in order for my chance to improve my skills, I had to choose being someone I and you wouldn't like to be. I chose to mod Red Alert 3. Yes, an EA game. That's it, Mesk, shout it loud, I'm saying this, 'coz ranting you or not, I'll forever leave. Won't do anything more related to computers.
The worst of it is, I did right under your noses. Well, not exactly. I've created a second identity in order to not be discovered by you. I created Medici, the leader for the only RA3 brazilian project ever done, Southern Rising.
But that's not the concern, you Meta, and even other people would think I'm a retard just for telling that.
And you are right.
I am a retard in every way you'd ever imagine. It's because of my hyper-active imagination. Such is the price of the curse that is my creativity. I walk mindlessly everywhere from one side to another. I talk alone, only to myself. I don't get out of my house, unless going to university. That's what I am.
But the worst of these things is, I've told you, I'm weak. I quit easily on things. That's why my university living's a crap, as well as my social life and Starcraft modding. I'll never have anything great you giants have. I'll never have Mesk's determination, SgtHK's graphic skills, Meta's dynamism in diversity on his campaigns, Magic's great voice acting, or even my father's humour or willfulness to talk. I've never asked for your help because I think I'd be weak before you in asking that.
But the reason you'll not see me quit on the RA3 mod is because I've arranged a team to work on it. I can't just leave them now, I couldn't bear to break their hearts whe they've worked so hardly on it. That's what I'm considering as my last work on the modding community ever. I'll just finish it and I'll be leaving forever.
Now, a few last words to some people I'd like to share:
MESK: Sorry I had to do this on your back, I mean, you hating nearly everything EA had done and such.
META: I'm truly sorry having to leave you when you wanted me to model for your SC II projects, I really do. But I guess it's best that way.
SGTHK: I'm still owning you those voice actings to the SOW project. Well, consider this my quitting letter. And you can shout with me and such, I didn't asked you for help nor even told you or my team of what I was doing.
And finally, I speak to you, Gaius Octavian, my character and most faithful, one who I only put on paper. I'm sorry to fail you in such way. I wrote of a Code of Honor when I had no honor. I left you standing in favor of other projects. I'm disgraced with myself. You should feel that way.
Well, that's it. That's what I am. A retard, an idiot, a pussy, and a man who wanted nothing more but a fame I never deserved.
At least, just take a look on the mod gallery, the high poly models, as a proof of what I've done, before any jackass says it's just a story:
http://www.moddb.com/mods/red-alert-3-southern-rising/images
I don't want any honor or such. I don't want any memorial. All I ask of you is this: Forget you ever known me. That at least will make some good for you.
Farewell.
