Campaign Creations

Yeah, I get what you're saying. But you see, that's the thing. I've never finished anything, I lack the capacity to finish something or bring it to fruition. Talent means nothing if you can't fabricate anything with it. No one would care about Avatar if it was all untextured, right? If LOTR was just a string of notes, nothing would have become of it. We'd have no movies, no spinoffs, no silly MMO's.

That's all I can do is start something, give up, and achieve nothing.

To me, a man can do nothing if he cannot bring his dreams to life. So I can do nothing.

/e

I'd like to think it's just highs and lows and maybe one day I'll be able to work on TOA again at the very least, but the longer this goes on the worse I feel. I know I can't really expect anyone to understand or quantify my words into emotions but it absolutely destroys me to see people able to write and model and animate just like that without any effort while I have spent nearly a decade working with modeling and still can't even use the plethora of tutorials I've downloaded because the information doesn't even register in my head. lol run-on sentence

It's turned from depression to rage. Nerd rage. Because now I'm just pissed off that this has gone on for so long and I can't do anything about it.

IskatuMesk wrote: Yeah, I get what you're saying. But you see, that's the thing. I've never finished anything, I lack the capacity to finish something or bring it to fruition. Talent means nothing if you can't fabricate anything with it. No one would care about Avatar if it was all untextured, right? If LOTR was just a string of notes, nothing would have become of it. We'd have no movies, no spinoffs, no silly MMO's.

That's all I can do is start something, give up, and achieve nothing.

To me, a man can do nothing if he cannot bring his dreams to life. So I can do nothing.

To me, a man has no purpose if he cannot search for a way to bring his dreams to life.

That's what you do. You start, you try, you fail. It'll take as long as it takes and as much as it takes.

Getting it right the first time is probably the worst thing for any artist - or any man for that matter. Never getting it right but always improving and seeking new ways while knowing there is no getting it right is perhaps the sad fate of an artist.

Blessed are the uncreative, I guess. Hence my eternal cheerfulness.

Edit:

Also, Avatar would be untextured if the creator of the dream didn't seek out ways to explore his dream. LOTR would have remained a string of notes if Peter Jackson hadn't revived the dream and translated it to something of our understanding. The one who starts the dream may not even be the one to finish it. He may just be concerned about the journey alone, for it's the search and the hard road that gives him pleasure.

Oh jeez. I must be soft.

Krazy> Yeah, I'd never even consider getting involved with any kind of drug like that. It took many years of suffering to bring me to the point of trying prescription drugs, but they are achieving absolutely nothing and are instead probably making things even worse.

Legion > Yeah... but at 10 years and counting when you get nothing done it kind of bothers you after a while. It feels like I've gone nowhere. In 12-13 years or so, Tolkien wrote all of LOTR which included several rewrites and then the "digitalization", and that was during WW2 when he had a lot of other things to do as well. I've gone 8 years and have barely begun.

/e

Also I think the very act of allowing yourself to give up makes one too soft.

/e 2

I hear things crashing to the ground outside from wind.

/e 3

I think the biggest hope I had at finishing a project was LoL: 2042. I worked for a year off and on on that project. Graphics were a huge issue but HKS and I had just worked out a way to get WoW graphics into the game. It was very time consuming but at the time I could do it given some motivation.

Loladins of Legend: 2042 - Chapter 00 (Alpha) 1/6 - Discontinued Age of Wonders 2 Conversion

Old video I recorded ages ago, part of 6 pieces I uploaded to youtube recently to reminisce. Yeah, the audio quality was horrible so I threw on a very strong Dynamics Processing.

The mod? Editor corrupted it. Irrecoverable.

IskatuMesk wrote: Krazy> Yeah, I'd never even consider getting involved with any kind of drug like that. It took many years of suffering to bring me to the point of trying prescription drugs, but they are achieving absolutely nothing and are instead probably making things even worse.

Legion > Yeah... but at 10 years and counting when you get nothing done it kind of bothers you after a while.  It feels like I've gone nowhere. In 12-13 years or so, Tolkien wrote all of LOTR which included several rewrites and then the "digitalization", and that was during WW2 when he had a lot of other things to do as well. I've gone 8 years and have barely begun.

Pretty sure he wasn't 7 when he started it. Plus, he must have had some frustrating, nerve-wrecking, painstakingly boring years of work before he finally got it right.

I'm not saying you're like Tolkien or Van Gogh or something. They're nothing like each other, either. But if you truly feel in your heart of hearts that this is where you belong, you can be sure your art (whatever that may be - you're not stuck on one thing) will be manifest in some fashion.

Meantime, try to focus on what went okay. This may be the only life to ever happen to you.

I'm calling it a day. It's already night here in the distant lands of Europe. Be continued.

Many times I had sworn to abandon all things related to creation. But I know that in my heart I cannot break away from what has shaped me to who I am today. It is my nature to fight, if only to fight. So I fight. But I don't feel good about it, because it feels like I fight for nothing.

But with anxiety attacks, it's not "fighting" anything. It's just feeling like shit constantly. I feel something needs to happen, something big, for any progress to be had.

I dunno. Maybe that something is sc2. Maybe that something will never come.

I've come to understand over the years that giving you advice isn't like giving anyone else advice.  Your situation is unique.  What works for everyone else doesn't often work for you - not just for meds but for life.  Your burdens have made you stronger than you think though.  As far as the anxiety goes, there's this one site I visit with home remedies that is entirely community built, run, and reviewed.  You might find something there that works for you if you're willing to experiment, and I suspect that you are.  http://www.earthclinic.com/CURES/anxiety.html

Your doctor seems to know what he's doing, the stuff he is giving you isn't BS.  But unfortunately, for you, it isn't working.  Because your body is unique, you'll have to take control and turn yourself into a guinea pig until you find something that does work for your particular situation.

@Isk: I get the impression that since you've been diagnosed, you've used this as your excuse for everything.  Your condition has also deteriorated fairly rapidly since you were diagnosed.  I can tell you from experience that it's easy to say that you don't want to go out, do things, hang out with people etc. if you don't do them at all.  You may remember 5-7 years ago, I was on IRC roughly 19 hours a day (remember when you had ops in #smemp?).  I never went out, and I _thought_ that I was fine with it.  I now realize that no matter what I said then, I was lonely and sad.  You seem to be like me then, completely unhappy, and completely in denial about the whole affair.  This combined with "sitting around feeling bad for yourself"-syndrome is probably making you feel even more ill. 

Also, have you considered that you maybe have ADHD?  I used to have anxiety problems as well.  Before writing a paper, I would procrastinate while also worrying that I wouldn't get the paper done.  I would have to set aside a whole weekend to write a paper because I was so easily distracted. 

ADHD meds really work, and the classical ones (mixed amphetamine salts, dextroamphetamine, or methylphenidate) work surprisingly well with very few side effects.  I know that you don't believe in drugs etc, but it's something that you might consider.  (Note: The only negative side effects of these drugs are similar to those of caffeine).  Just something to consider if you're open to pharmaceuticals.  Another note: many doctors will not even consider this diagnosis for someone who is no longer in school.  You sound to me like a classic case of ADHD, but I'm not a doctor.  I really urge you to try this before giving up and doing some retarded natural medicine crap like des posted.

Mesk can you give me a list of all the meds you are on and the dosage, I'm looking for the chemical name as opposed to the brand name. I'm wondering if part of the reason you're feeling like shit is due to side effects that occur due to contraindication.

*ding*

You've used the word "contraindication" incorrectly.  You will now be fed to the sharks.  They love eating pseudointellectuals!

You most definately can use it in that manner. If a person is taking a drug and is being considered for a new drug the side effects of mixing the two would make it inadvisable to administer the new drug, hence contraindication. Nice fail though.

They thought I had ADHD when I was young, and the drugs totally fucked me up really good. So, no, it isn't ADHD, and I'd never touch those drugs again. They caused everything from manic depression to colossal adrenaline surges and extreme aggression.

And the thing is, is that I've been dealing with these problems for maaany years before I was 'diagnosed' (which they avoided officially diagnosing me on, it's pretty safe to assume that it's some heavy-duty genetic damage), so... not so easy.

You and I, we are very different. I have despised people and society from day 1, and have met with oppression and hatred from them at every turn. It is not that I am in denial. It is that people and I, we are nothing alike. I have nothing in common with the average person my age. I have not the same morals, not the same values, even the very way my mind processes information is completely different. I would even go as far to say that what I am now separates me from humanity as a whole.

I have never even had the faintest desire to socialize, work, or anything of that sort. It's not because I haven't experienced it, because I have. It's that I see no value in it, and I get nothing from it. I could be a social butterfly and work at M$ making six digits monthly, but you know what? I'd still be fucked, because I'd still be brain damaged.

I do not have a choice where I go or what I do, I only have a choice at how I allow myself to be perceived. Sometimes I don't even have that.

Most people who are diagnosed with Autism, Aspergers, and things like that typically have an extremely hard time socializing. Everything I have read characterizes these individuals as people who specifically have a hard time reading facial cues, emotional cues, or being able to pick up on personalities or understand what the effects of what they say will have. I am the exact opposite. I can read virtually anyone like a book and given an hour or two I can form a fairly accurate psychological profile of them. Socializing for me is easy - with adults, anyways, teens just piss me off too much with their immaturity - I can get along with most people, even people I totally despise, because I can mold and form my external personality to match passiveness.

But it's not something I enjoy. Because no matter who I talk to for how long, we will never bond. I share nothing with these people. I am completely different in every possible way, even to the level of absurd extremities. But, even if we were not different, I still see no value in stepping outside and socializing. What do I actually gain out of it that's tangible? Nothing. I find myself repulsive because I am weak and cannot forge my dreams as I so desire. But this weakness has shaped me to what I am - to be similar to me, you must have endured what I have endured. Which would make you no more palpable. I am, at heart, a creature who can only survive in solitude. That is the way things are. Do I get lonely? Yes, sometimes I do. But I know that cannot change, so I forced it aside. This is not a loneliness for friends. This is a loneliness that simply cannot be

I am, to a degree (I was much stronger at this many years ago before my control decayed to almost total loss), capable of masking everything that's going on, even the corruption of speech and thought. I can do this because this is how I endured school. I forced my mind into a state of total dormancy and lived as a shadow, separated from my true thoughts but at the same time unmovable by the outside world. I froze my mental evolution. I repressed all emotion and all reaction from either side of the fence and essentially "slept".

It is within my capability to go out, into the mall, and buy a game - just like I did today. It is within my capability to joke with the female clerk as I am told I need a pin for my credit card I have never needed before and stand there like a tard for ten seconds, which was eventually solved by her backdooring the system.

But while everyone else throws themselves into parties and drinks themselves to death, I see no value in such things. I see no value in social gatherings of any kind, really. Why do such things even exist?

My anxiety has always been with me, for years and years even before my psychotic symptoms started gaining strength. But I never knew it as anxiety. I thought it was natural, or something deeper. My anxiety attacks can be triggered by anything. Before our dogs were all put down, a dog whining or barking would incite a massive anxiety attack. Someone calling my name incites an anxiety attack. An e-mail can incite an anxiety attack. So can a PM. Something simple, like a scene in a movie, or something someone says to someone else, will incite an attack. The effects are violent and immediate. The reason is because I am easily emotionally stimulated and the way my thoughts and mind works, I visualize everything with fidelity and clarity. Words and sounds have an enormous impact on the inner motion and state of mind. It's a bit much to describe.

It is also because of these traits that I am able to pick apart the most powerful pieces of music for the right scene or emotion. It is because of these traits that I strive for absolute perfection. While they make me extremely sensitive to negative energy, at the same time they allow me to experience other things at a heightened level as well. I guess it makes up for my piss-poor eyesight.

I believe that the only way to defeat the inner demon is with the fire of your own heart. Only I can defeat my demon. No drug can smokescreen genetic damage. A state of mind must be achieve that allows you to overcome the infernal barrier. More importantly, that state of mind must be maintained. If you falter, even for a moment, all crumbles to ruin. There is no way to heal, no way to recover, only ways you can try to ignore.

I think that if the circumstances were just right, if the planets were aligned in a certain way, if AA7 coughed at a certain pitch, and if the winds bayed for but a moment, and Moses parted the ether to the stars, I could create something truly grand.

But that time has not yet come, and will likely never come. Things will remain as they have been for the last decade. Change comes slowly, if at all, and always for the worse. I try not to feel bad for myself, and I usually don't, because I've accepted this as reality. I know that out there, there are children starving who are just as powerless to help themselves as I am here. Our circumstances are different and our demons different, but ultimately we are both helpless. That is reality. That is the luck of the draw. I was simply unfortunate to have drug abusers and alcoholics from a corrupt bloodline as parents. There is nothing I can do about that. There is nothing that can be done. That is simply the way of nature and the universe.

What matters is what we do with the time we are given. My time is almost up. I am more pissed off than anything.

I can't remember all of the drugs I've taken. I was on Zyprexa for a while (unsure of dosage), now on Wellbutrin (350mg) and some random herbs. Drugs I took previously included Ritalin and some others I had insane psychotic reactions to.

@wibod:

contraindication - (medicine) A factor or symptom which makes the prescribed treatment inadvisable.

The way you were using it is incorrect.  What you should have said was "contraindicated interactions".  GG on that fail.

@Mesk: You don't have genetic damage.  You don't know what you're talking about.  It's very probable that you do have adhd, and I would suggest trying those drugs again.

Edit: For the record, I do not drink or smoke pot.  I don't go to parties either.  I'm saying that there is something to be said for socializing helping your mental health.

Edit 2: Also, have you tried something like xanax for your anxiety?

Edit 3: You do not have genetic damage.  I get the feeling that most of your problems are psychosomatic, and you've given up all hope, which has made them worse.

Negi wrote: @wibod:

contraindication - (medicine) A factor or symptom which makes the prescribed treatment inadvisable.

The way you were using it is incorrect.  What you should have said was "contraindicated interactions".  GG on that fail.

I've only ever heard someone use contraindicated interactions once, many textbooks/drug handbooks in use in clinics when listing contraindications include symptons/disease under one heading and then drugs under another while all being lumped under one header.

You're being pedantic for the sake of being pedantic. A drug being taken is a factor in deciding on treatment.

Negi >

I take Ativan for anxiety. It does nothing.

Genetic damage = hereditary disorders + parents who substance abuse while pregnant, of which I have suffered from both.

Desler > 5 HTP is the herb I massively overdosed on a few days ago and previously took in regular quantities. It also does nothing, not even when you take 40 capsules that burn the living fuck out of your stomach and cause considerable pain.

Yeah, this conversation has gone way too deep and far for me to contribute much if anything.

Mesk: It sucks that you're going through this. It sucks that you despise society and people for their differences. It sucks that you seem to have given up.

Thing is, we've all been there, in some fashion or another. Bill Gates has an off day. Obama has several. And when you're sick, Canada IS an off day. And then some of us just have days off. (Hah! I kid, I kid).

Point I'm making is - and this won't make anybody feel any better - we're all fighting our own ginormous battles in life. And just because we can't relate on a semantic level, we're all qualified to be in that boat together, or alone.

You may feel like there's no cure for what you have - and maybe there's not - but I think this actually is one of those times where I can speak for a greater majority of us here and say that you can (and absolutely should) confide in any one of us. It probably won't cure anything, but at the very least we might be able to ease some of that pain.

These battles we fight, how they end is really up to us. It's a war of attrition. And the one that wins is the won that just won't fucking give up. Sooner or later, you WILL overcome whatever the fuck you have going against you. That's inevitable. I've had close friends who went down to cancer, and while it was the worst carnation of evil to bear, they refused to fall to cynicism. Choosing to enjoy Life, regardless of your issues, is nowhere near an easy task or a small feat. But it's the whole damned point of life at all, and absolutely is completely up to you. It's something that you'll have to take on in your own time, on your own terms.

But you don't have to do it alone - is all I'm saying.

And all I'm going to say.