{DF} Cakeanguish

[IskatuMesk]

20th Felsite

Apparently the Baron has a Baroness Consort I didn't know about, who's currently oblivious to the assassination of her pimp and is still mandating creation of goods. Hah! It'll be a cold day in hell before the free men of Cakeanguish bow to you!

With the tunnel currently flooded in magma, I can't get rid of her quite yet, however. But soon, my dear... soon.

OH GOD WHAT

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A flurry of dwarves rush over to throw up some Andesite floodgates. I don't know if they'll keep the lava out of the main corridor, but they'll definitely keep this poor Brewer in. To add insult to injury, his cow runs over to watch him die horribly.

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Luckily, he seems to be one of the dwarves the Baron brought with him. I don't think anyone will mourn his loss.

Also, the Mayor died from thirst.

A cave spider melts to ashes before the brewer's eyes. Even telepathic spiders can't escape the slow methodic movement of death itself. It's beautiful.

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As I dance in glory, one of my aids quietly comes into my room with a short note scribbled in child-like writing.

Oh.

My.

God.

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Upon closer inspection, its missing its left eye.

I assemble the lads, but much to my chagrin, the dragon charges for the top gate and blasts its way through!

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The Dragon charges into my mass of traps I left behind just in case of this kind of an event.

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With the door destroyed, dwarves swarm towards the entrance and then come crying back to my cabin whining about there being a dragon still stuck in the traps.

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Then, just like that, the dragon dies.

Get back to work, you filthy slobs.

[IskatuMesk]

13th Hematite

The humies have arrived.

I trade some silk stuff and a bunch of random pants and socks along with some crafts for most of their loot, including dogs, wood, and supplies. I also nick a few swords and axes as well, we'll probably need them until we get our magma forge up. Speaking of which...

A kobold thief loses a thumb to the Elite Marksdwarf and crew before tripping over a mass of traps still coated in dragon blood.

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Urist Mcspeardwarf then runs up and gives him a reach around, spraying blood everywhere.

Yet even more migrants arrive.

1st Malachite

Note to self #69, discover the source of the extreme amount of vomit that coats the mountainside at random intervals.

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Also, a fish cleaner was possessed. He claims a Craftsdwarf's workshop. He then begins a mysterious construction soon after. He creates some random crown menacing with spikes of turtle shell. Yay.

I knew I shouldn't have let those three circle-jerking Engravers do anything.

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There's literally an entire room filled with engravings talking about other engravings. I swear I'm going to kill that lot.

12th Galena

The magma furnace and forge are finally operational. Yay!

3rd Limestone

The Baroness, tired after months of not having slept right, finally arrives at her designated quarters. Weary and perhaps a little curious as to why it's so far away, she makes her way into a hallway still warm to the touch...

Only for the door behind her to shut.

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The door to her room remains locked, as well.

Meanwhile...

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Gushing out like a priest in the confession booth, magma pours down the corridor of no return.

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Justice for my bloodlust the Free People of Cakeanguish!

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[IskatuMesk]

Whoops, I slipped and made a mess all over the ceiling.

We're back, and blacker than ever.

I haven't played DF for quite a while, so now's the perfect time to see how our delightful little fortress is doing!

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We have quite a few dwarves, but only a sparse military. If I recall correctly, we have a magma forge system up and running and now would be a good time to try to find some flux for steel gear.

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The new entrance is bustling with activity. Little dwarves make their merry way from in and out of the fortress, hoarding thousands of bones and skulls. Khorne would be most pleased. Make note of the two totally useless ballistas, one of which is responsible for at the very least one dwarfly death.

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Just south of the hallway of suicide and boners is the hall of political appreciation. There's still lingering fumes in the air, all that remains of our last sacrifice to the god of ketchup. Those doors aren't magma proofed, so let's hope no one decides to lean on them.

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This is what most of the fortress looks like under the covers - miles and miles of useless stone. But don't worry, the squad of miners are hard at work forging a new future for the republic of dictators. 10 levels down or so is just room after room of excavated granite or microcline.

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A few levels up and we have what I believe is our magma forge area. Just below is our hall of OSHIT where we almost had a catastrophe.

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Luckily thanks to the sacrifice of some random dwarf, the raging river of magma is held back once more by doors that would melt if so much as licked the wrong way. Although who would be licking red-hot doors is beyond me. I know there's someone out there stupid enough to try it.

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You may have noticed our humble population of random animals. Almost all of them are claimed as pets or serve as deterrents for batmen and swallowmen, so they'll just have to clog the halls and shit all over the place for the moment.

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Every day dwarves get up off the blood-soaked floor of our barracks, stretch, find some random rags to put on and drag themselves out for another day of mining deeper and deeper into granite. There's animals everywhere, excavation sites slated four years ago remain to be touched, and all sorts of horrible things await them outside. But once they come into this dining room, ignoring the fact it's ankle-deep in various fish parts, they are overcome by just how fucking awesome it is, and it steals away all of their fears and doubts about the Free People's Republic of Dictators and the three engravers straddling each other every chance they get.

This is Cakeanguish.

15th Limestone

A caravan arrived. Yay.

As my broker mumbles to himself and mills around uselessly, I decide to replace the upper door at the old entrance with an actual wall. This should keep those faggots from trying to go up there.

You have struck microcline!

Bought a ton of steel bolts, steel shield, and some other stuff including a ton of extra wood. They didn't have much drink on them, or food.

[IskatuMesk]

18th Sandstone

A glassmaker was taken by a fey mood.

This could get interesting.

He doesn't claim a shop. Since we have no sand, I never instructed the dwarves to make a glass shop. Instead, our little dorf is sitting inside the dining room rotating on a steel pole until his lungs rupture and he goes apeshit.

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You know, despite the book's cover, I'm astonished at how well things have been going. With only a few casualties to a series of ambushes and no deaths at all to the dragon, this place is practically paradise.

One's gotta think, though. When will the horses start to take over? They're reproducing like locust. They never get to see outside, so they've begun to mutate into albinos, living off of each other's feces since there is no horse food to be found. They're changing... slowly... but surely.

You've struck microcline!

Meanwhile, the miners have been following the strands of adamantite across the mountain, trying to find larger concentrations.

Suddenly!

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Before the dwarves can react, demons flood out of the secret hidey hole and attack!

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The legendary miners and the demons scrap it out in a cage match to the death. A frog demon dies, as does a war dog and a miner. Demons continue to flood out as fresh ass waves in the air like an alluring aroma of candy.

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More and more demons spew out of the hole.

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Several cats and a stray leatherworker join the last of the miners in hell as the onslaught continues.

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The demons leave nothing alive in their lust for fresh anus.

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The brawl hits the open streets of stone as demons flood out of the excavation area. Dwarves flail in all directions as what few military dwarves remain try to slow down the impending armies of ach ee double hockey sticks.


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As the demons head upwards they meet more resistance in the form of thousands of dogs. It seems though that the dogs are not enough, and despite nibbling on various fingers, the demon attack remains unfettered. In but a few short moments the population has dropped to 67.

Eventually a torrent of animals comes down and attacks a few stray demons. The odd one dies, but most of the dogs are killed in seconds.

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Blood soaks the main chambers and bodies are strewn across the entire fortress.

Population: 23

It's becoming harder to track the demons as they've spread out. Many of them have died, but more are coming. Meanwhile, dwarves are either throwing tantrums or attending a party. Perhaps they're happy the demons have come to put an end to their misery.  Hey, at least we don't have a horse problem anymore you ungrateful faggots!

Even the crippled faggot that's been eating up resources in the barracks is taken by the demons and bent over for a railing of his life.

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Thus ends the legacy of Cakeanguish.