Ruaquick1: Gloria in memoriam, November 27th 2003

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Ruaquick1: Gloria in memoriam, November 27th 2003

Postby punk3100 » Thu Feb 28, 2008 3:58 pm

Hello everyone.  Most of you probably don't remember me, if any of you.  I made only a few posts and played a game or two with a few of you, but for those of you that remember me, Ruaquick1 was my brother.  To be honest I'm not really a part of this community, nor have I ever been, and someone (who I shall leave nameless) had directed my attention to this post.  I would just like to start of by saying, Ruaquick1 did commit suicide on November 27th, 2003 by jumping off a bridge in Twin Falls, Idaho.  For the remainder of this post I want to make it clear that I will refer to Ruaquick1 as my brother, and in such will use "he" because for nearly 16 years of my life he was my brother, and that's how I choose to remember him.

Now, those of you who have had their curiosity resolved can stop reading this post; however, I have a few things I'd like to say.  First and foremost, I don't know any of you personally, but I do know that my brother respected and consider many of you in this community his friends.  As his friends, I do believe you deserve to know what happened, and some of facts behind the entire issue.  As many of you know, if not all of you, Ruaquick1 was a transsexual.  Now, I want to make it clear that there were a number of reasons for this and not to get into much detail, he suffered from a number of mental issues, including depression, social anxiety disorder, and other forms of social and mental disorders that made it difficult for him to make friends in school and there were many people throughout the ages who were extremely cruel and mean to him.  He was seeing several therapists and psychiatrist for the issues and myself and my family did all we could for him, and I truly believe that.  He finally told us one day that he wanted to be a girl, and of course we did everything we could to get help, and went to one therapists after another, who all told us that we should let him do what he wants and respect his decision to be a girl.  Now we could get into a debate about all this, but that's not the point here.

My brother was in fact suicidal.  He had told us repeated times that he could try to be a boy, but he would not be happy and that being a boy like that contributed to his depression.  The only way for him to be stable and even function in society was to embrace the idea and believe him that he did in fact want to be a girl and that this was not a cry for attention or anything like that. So that's what we did and things got better for a while.  We're not sure what happened exactly, but he had moved out to Idaho and was living his life as he wanted as a girl and had even meet a guy who accepted him.  Then the cops showed up at my house saying he had jumped off a bridge.  I'm not sure we'll ever know what really happened.

That's a quick short version of everything, and I post this because this community meant a lot to my brother.  Like I said, he considered many of you friends and talked about you as though you were his friends in real life.  This game and this community at times were the only things holding him from falling a part.  I don't know if you guys saw him the same way, like I said I don't know any of you, and I was never apart of this community, but if even one you were friends with him I thought you at least deserved to know what happened to him. 

That's all I have to say, I'm not here to get into a debate about transsexuals, or whether you're born that way or not, that's not what this post is for.  I haven't even read this entire thread or every post in it so I don't know what's been said or not.  Quite frankly, I don't care that much and I'm not here to start a debate or anything.  I just stopped by because I thought maybe there was a few of you who remembered Ruaquick1 and might have been friends with her and I felt you should know what happened.  I'm not sure I'll check back at this website again or this post, but again those that were his friends who might have talked or consoled him at some point, I thank you.

EDIT: I just read some of the posts for some reason and I want to make it absolutely clear, in referencing a post by Magic: My father and my mother and my entire family at no point physically assaulted or abused my brother in anyway.  Anything he might have said to the contrary is a lie.  We did everything we could to help him, and at one point he had become so destructive he would would assault my mother in order to run away with people he had meet online in a suicide chat room.  He was not 18 years old, and as such my parents were responsible for him and had to call the police and report him missing and he was picked up several times by the police for running away from school and from the house.  At no point though, did my parents or anyone physical assault or abuse him.  We did nothing but be there for him the best we could and times my parents and police had to physically restrain him so that he would not hurt himself.  We had removed him from a private mental institution at one point because they used physical methods of restraining him from trying to kill himself and in the process left several bruises on him.  I don't know what he told any of you, but anything of that nature is just simply not true.
Last edited by Lavarinth on Sun Mar 02, 2008 3:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Ruaquick1: Gloria in memoriam, November 27th 2003

Postby AA7Dragoon » Thu Feb 28, 2008 4:27 pm

punk, I remember you!  Yes, you did post a few times here and said you were Rua's brother.  I can vouch for punk that he is really Rua's brother.


Oh God...  Rua..  My heart grieves.  I'm shocked it happened so long ago and we never knew... :(  At least Rua knew the truth about me and how remorseful I felt for criticizing her transexuality before it happened.

Punk, I am so sorry for your loss.  I truly am.  You and your family did your best.  I know you loved Rua with all your heart.  But my words are meaningless to the pain you've endured.  I can only say to you, with all sincerity, that my heart grieves for you, your family, and especially for Rua.  I have always missed her and had hoped she would come back someday.

Campaign Creations will never forget Ruaquick1.  In a sense, a part of her still lives on for the lives she touched.  She was a part of us.
I have seen the Desler.  I have tasted of his milk and honey.


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Re: Ruaquick1: Gloria in memoriam, November 27th 2003

Postby Kaoru » Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:04 pm

...Wow. ...I...don't think I ever expected this, when I opened this thread up. ...
...Christ. I...christ. I don't even know what to say. I've never actually known or met someone who...went through with it. I still don't. I never knew Rua, but...man. ...I don't know what to say. ...Thank you for your revelations. I... ...
I think I should let those who knew her speak, from here. There's nothing I can contribute, beyond my sympathy - for what it's worth - and my deepest regret for your loss. The community's loss, even.
...I think I need to sit down for a while. I realize you don't exactly need to be excused from a forum conversation, but...pardon me, everyone.

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Re: Ruaquick1: Gloria in memoriam, November 27th 2003

Postby Marco » Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:12 pm

Rest in peace.
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Re: Ruaquick1: Gloria in memoriam, November 27th 2003

Postby tipereth » Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:25 pm

Desler wrote:On a personal note, I will admit to something here that has given me a fleeting glimpse into people with mental conditions  that were not JUST psychological, but rather, actual chemical imbalances in the brain (such as bipolar).  I have taken MDMA a few times, and what it does is force a chemical state of euphoria caused by a recovery period of dysphoria, depression, and anxiety.  On one such ocassion, the anxiety completely overtook my emotional state, putting me in a constant state of panic and fear for an entire day.  I still had rational thought, but I also had an emotional state that could not be controlled.  If this state had instead been anger, I would have been yelling and cursing, all the while thinking with my rational mind 'STOP, STOP'.  You cannot begin to appreciate how controlling EMOTION can be until you experience it to such a degree that has a raw, unyielding prescence.  Concepts like free will suddenly mean a lot less.  I know this doesn't even measure .01% of what you probably had to go through your entire life, but maybe if we all had humbling experiences like that, we would be a lot more empathetic towards others instead of writing them off all the time.


This one time, I didn't sleep for awhile and I started to hallucinate. All of the curves turned into angles, everything was red and 9, and my arms were two parallel lines that intersected.

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Re: Ruaquick1: Gloria in memoriam, November 27th 2003

Postby IskatuMesk » Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:41 pm

I wasn't a part of CC early enough to know Rua or anything like that but you have my condolences regardless. I often wonder what would happen if I did actually go through with my intentions and commit suicide myself. How others would react.

Desler> I find it hard to place value in things that trivial. 99% of relationships won't ever work out and if they do it's just a money drain. "Love" in that sense is a byproduct of hormones doing their job keeping the human race intact. It doesn't really exist.  I'm not even talking about youth, either. Youth relationships are completely pointless. Most people rarely date for "love", anyway. They just want to get into each other's pants.

I've heard the chemical imbalance theory before. Over the course of my life my diet has changed dramatically, mostly been simplified and voided of several rather salt-heavy foods. But it hasn't changed my mentality at all. Only wisdom and understanding has come with time. The only thing that has happened is my mental illnesses taking full swing with the coming of age.

I am generally an angry person but what really sets me off is manic bipolar episodes. I had chemically-induced episodes when I was very young because the government and my grandmother tried to force me onto medication, ie ritalin, and this triggered enormous adrenaline surges and bursts of aggression. Nowadays I have (Well, used to have) much more mental control, but the stages of my bipolar and autism have evolved to the point where they don't need chemical triggers anymore. I think if I had another Rage, though, I'd die from a heart attack. (I've already had two heart attacks). This will eventually happen because I often enters states of immense anger, much moreso than usual. These ones I can barely control. Usually I'll stop what I'm doing and just try to go to sleep to fight it off. It gets worse and worse every time it happens. They are one of my many demons, along with severe depression and other delightful things.

I have heard it said that loners have the most gifted creative minds.  I'm sure you too understand that its not JUST because we have so much free time.  We need to be accepted in some way as well.


Often I've wondered where my limitless imaginative power comes from. People will come to me and say, "I want to make so and so campaign/project but I can't think of a story". I always find this very unusual. Is it difficult for someone to imagine another world, or another person? My mind is a constant flood of thought. Worlds, peoples, events and things I don't even know. When I used to write, or when I make a mod, I reach into a well of energy and withdraw everything I need. It comes in an uncontrollable rush, like a tap I can't turn off. This tends to be more intrusive than anything because it disrupts my sleeping. Not all of these thoughts have to do with creative things, though. I also have a lot of hallucinations and go into psychotic episodes frequently when trying to sleep. Often these hallucinations will appear when I'm fully awake as well, more often as of late. I am unsure whether to blame bipolar or the stress I am undergoing.
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Re: Ruaquick1: Gloria in memoriam, November 27th 2003

Postby Mr. » Thu Feb 28, 2008 7:09 pm

Um... wow... I really have no idea what to... anything

This may seem strange, since I never actually met Rua, only knew her over the internet, but... that... shockingly hurt.  I don't really know how to put it into words.  I felt like I was somewhat close back in the day, and I always liked Rua, and respected her dealing with all of that as well as she could.  And I had always been hoping that we would hear from her, and learn that she was doing well.  But... that's not how things turned out.  That was a hope that I held onto for a long time, and now to learn that she died over four years ago...

Hearing that Rua felt that way about us here... is nice, because I like to think that we were able to provide some comfort for her.  But it's also sad, because... I considered her a friend as well, and I just wish she would have at least tried to contact us, and perhaps let us try to support her emotionally.  I realize that it sounds odd, seeing as how we're all strangers, and only know one another through our writings, but I've really come to realize lately, how much words can do.  She's someone I'm not going to forget.  God, I just wish I could be saying those things to her.

And yes, I'm still using "her."  I understand that it was different for you, as Rua's family, but like you, I'm referring to her as I knew her.  Also, if you're still here, what was his name?  I know that the name she used was Amy, but what was his real name?
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Re: Ruaquick1: Gloria in memoriam, November 27th 2003

Postby Maglok » Fri Feb 29, 2008 2:19 am

I remember Rua, rest in peace indeed.
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Re: Ruaquick1: Gloria in memoriam, November 27th 2003

Postby WB » Fri Feb 29, 2008 3:23 am

Punk, I'm hoping you are some asshole trolling our forums, because that would mean Rua is alive, and while I never knew her, CC's members, past and present, seem to be way above the internet average and generally good people, so any member losing their life is tragic. I'll take AA7's word for it though, in which case, Requiesat In Pace.
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Re: Ruaquick1: Gloria in memoriam, November 27th 2003

Postby Mr. » Fri Feb 29, 2008 3:40 am

Punk is indeed Rua's brother.  I remember him from back in the day. 

Hm... I didn't mention this in my other post, but... if you do read this thread again, thank you.  Thank you for coming back and letting us know what happened  to Rua. 
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Re: Ruaquick1: Gloria in memoriam, November 27th 2003

Postby Magic » Fri Feb 29, 2008 11:29 am

Punk, you have my absolute condolences and, no matter what problems occurred in Rua's life and the predictions of what she would do, I remain shocked at the news. Thank you so much for coming on here and posting with the information, it's good to have some closure after years of not knowing. Sure, we're all talking over a computer network and have mostly only known each solely over it but we're still emotionally connected with one another.

The community veterans here know I had to deal with the death of my mother 6 years ago and it was hard enough then (And I'm currently seeing Mothers' Day adverts when I walk into town in the last week), but your situation is undoubtedly more complex and tragic, I can begin to understand the complications that follow. It's not just the obvious loss of a loved one, it's so much unimaginably more that stems out from their presence in our lives.

I'm referring to Rua as a female for the reasons I stated earlier and, again, I'm not arguing for or against it, people can use whatever terms they like. Like Mr. said, that's how I knew her.

He had told us repeated times that he could try to be a boy, but he would not be happy and that being a boy like that contributed to his depression.

Yes, I remember Rua saying that many times. It was a pure shame that she couldn't, to summarise an enormous amount and pardon me for doing so, learn to ever deal with that fact.

EDIT: I just read some of the posts for some reason and I want to make it absolutely clear, in referencing a post by Magic: My father and my mother and my entire family at no point physically assaulted or abused my brother in anyway.  Anything he might have said to the contrary is a lie.  We did everything we could to help him, and at one point he had become so destructive he would would assault my mother in order to run away with people he had meet online in a suicide chat room.  He was not 18 years old, and as such my parents were responsible for him and had to call the police and report him missing and he was picked up several times by the police for running away from school and from the house.  At no point though, did my parents or anyone physical assault or abuse him.  We did nothing but be there for him the best we could and times my parents and police had to physically restrain him so that he would not hurt himself.  We had removed him from a private mental institution at one point because they used physical methods of restraining him from trying to kill himself and in the process left several bruises on him.  I don't know what he told any of you, but anything of that nature is just simply not true.

Thanks very much for clearing that up. I naturally meant no offense, I was going off what I remember Rua telling us in irc chat and forum posts, and it's why I used the word 'apparently' since it was all I knew from one side of things. It must have been crushing to attempt to do so much to help only for her to react so and eventually go down the ultimately destructive but sad path that she travelled.

She was part of our community, she chatted with us, played games with us, talked to us over a webcam ... nearly all of us attempted to help her. She even worked for StarCraft 3D* and had an actual job, if I recall correctly, with Nexus Core, a company formed by The Oracle, one of the very veteran StarCraft campaign producers here at CC.

*Heck, I was just putting up my old interviews the other day (Ones with people like Desler who is in this thread) and I still have Rua's that she did with me for SC3D. I'm afraid I didn't put it up since the project is long obsolete (Seven years old and long cancelled), but I can send it to you if you would like. I just briefly read through it and she is very easy-going and happy in it.

AA7Dragoon wrote:Oh God...  Rua..  My heart grieves.  I'm shocked it happened so long ago and we never knew... :(  At least Rua knew the truth about me and how remorseful I felt for criticizing her transexuality before it happened.

Once again I'm ... I don't know the word ... relieved or just thankful, I guess, that people have said things while they could, just because you never know how things will go in life for oneself and the others around and with you. I still remember the time before my mother's passing, that on her birthday I wrote a 'soppy' message in my card for her, I'm a sentimental guy, and she smiled enormously upon reading it while her boyfriend laughed at me for being so.

Yet two months later she was gone from our lives. I'm hugely glad that I said what I did, I can't imagine things if I hadn't. There's the cliche in movies that you need to do such, to make every moment count and say things while you can.

It's absolutely and truly a cliche because it's completely true.

I dealt with my grandfather's death half a year ago and now my grandmother, of the same part of my family, recently had a stroke. I finally began undoing the chains on my emotions and wrote a poem, I'd like to share it here in memory of Rua.

“Those Among Us”

There are those among us,
Who change our lives.
There are those among us,
That love provide.

No matter the arguments,
We all carry bravely on.
No matter what happens,
We hear their loving song.

Their hearts of gold,
Their mind of love,
Their deeds of care,
They are the light of our day.

The love remains,
With those among us,
We need no angels,
With those among us.


Thank you.

Edit: One last thing - I've had my share of angst in life and several times I had went out clubbing with friends but ended up depressed (I couldn't stand cheesy music and extremely happy-go-lucky idiots). There was a time I came back so and some people in a community chat room cheered me up. I just wanted to say that Rua was one of them and I'll never forget it. :)
Last edited by Magic on Fri Feb 29, 2008 1:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Ruaquick1: Gloria in memoriam, November 27th 2003

Postby DrumsofWar » Fri Feb 29, 2008 1:07 pm

I'm another of the people from way back who knew Rua a bit.  I offer my sincerest condolences and a prayer to you and your family.

Just like everyone here, I obviously did not know Rua that well but enough to tell he was a good person and smart.  This isn't just an exaggeration but that Rua was probably one of the best Starcraft players I had known in terms of wiping the floor with all of us and honestly could have been one of those professional gamers.

All of us dealt with Rua's cries for help and I don't think any of us ignored him or thought less because of that so I hope you can take it as good news that other people cared and tried to help beyond just playing a video game.  I'm glad to hear that what he said about any kind of abuse that was going on turned out to be untrue and I hope I'm not offending you by bringing it up.

Last I heard from Rua, I'm assuming she had gone through some of what she had wanted to be a woman and even had a boyfriend.  That's when I thought there had at least been somewhat of a happy ending but I'm saddened to hear that this happened.

Again, I hope this brings you and your family some small amount of good news and I'm deeply sorry for your loss.


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Re: Ruaquick1: Gloria in memoriam, November 27th 2003

Postby JimmyJames » Sun Mar 02, 2008 1:43 am

Ruaquick1... unfortunately, I only faintly remember that name since I joined CC forums for the first time and she had a feminine looking avatar... but I do know for a fact I never had truly talked to her in any form of communication.

I do know how it is when losing a friend found through the internet... my condolences goes out to Rua and you family and friends of her's who were and still are connected to Rua.
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Re: Ruaquick1: Gloria in memoriam, November 27th 2003

Postby Meta » Sun Mar 02, 2008 4:25 am

Rest in peace, Ruaquick1. The many long chats on AIM and Mirc over several months revealed how fascinating she(I'm refering to her as a female, since that's what she'd want, and it's pointless to argue anyway) was - a really intelligent, witty person with a great sense of (dark) humor and sarcasm. Of course, like everyone else here, it was just over the internet, and that's just enough to build an image of a person - just the sort of mental image the person wants to show, anyway.

A strong characteristic of her was how she could also help us deal with our own share of depression, as well. Upon hearing that one of us was in a bad day, Rua would seek to aid us, and that's as close to a real friendship things can be over the Internet. :)

Last I heard from her, she had a boyfriend and things were really starting to get better... it's just really, really bad they didn't last. I'm very shocked to hear about her passing, as her life finally seemed to be getting on the right track. My late condolences to Rua's family.

Off-topic, but regarding what AA7 reported earlier: I, too, know how it feels to spend so much time with a person, completely changing your routine, your plans, your lifestyle even, only to have it taken away due to betrayal. I faced this situation one year ago with my first girlfriend, and while it lasted 1,5 year opposed to your 4,5 years, it was still enough to hurt me deeply. The loss of the "magic" of the relationship, to feel the trust, the love coming down the drain; and the subsequent emptiness, were among the worst things I've felt in my life - even comparable to the passing of a loved one. You know I'm not exaggerating: I share your pain, as it's most likely even worse than my own, having lived with your mate for so many years. Best of luck to you.

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Re: Ruaquick1: Gloria in memoriam, November 27th 2003

Postby Lavarinth » Sun Mar 02, 2008 3:18 pm

Hey all, due to the circumstances, I'll be splitting the topic into two, if not more, in respect to Rua and the previous topic. I also, like most of you, knew and spoke to Rua via ICQ frequently and it rather saddening to read of her passing. I can only hope where ever she is now, she got what she always strove for.

Punk: I spoke to you maybe once or twice, your name rings a bell with those numbers, and just wanted to say thanks for ending our long, long curiosity to where and how she was doing. I'm sure, like myself, it left us bothered to not know of her status for so long.
Last edited by Lavarinth on Sun Mar 02, 2008 3:20 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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