The Random Adventures!

[KnoutOut]

A naked, cleanly shaved man approaches the horse shop. On his back is a piece of paper attached that reads "FILTHY MAGGOT!". He sees the bloodbath that was left behind and inspects the dead body, while ignoring the fine gentlemen that silently stare at him. He gently touches him with his genitalia to initiate the scanner that is build into his baloney pony. The results are shocking: A lollicat spoke the forbidden language and blew up this man's head!

He turns around to the remaining visitors: "We must find this lolli and bring her to justice!"

[Ricky_Honejasi]

And so :

1) Mark and Mesk's posts happened with the old man taking Chair Aznable's attack. The ASTROCOCK now have AIDS due to Chair Aznable's staff summon.

2) Wibod's post happened as Chair Aznable and the old man were bind by Darkness Soulicus Darksoul's spell. Although Chair Aznable might not be completely defenseless yet ...

3) KnoutOut's post happened.

[mark_009_vn]

Pink... everything was pink... even the very horizon that gave birth to man was turned manly hot pink...

The effect of "Starlight Breaker" wielded by a negro god of war has caused this calamity... For the Starlight Breaker is nothing more than the holy will of a thousand gay dicks, all forged into one to form a weapon to cleanse the world of sinners, the end result indeed was catastrophic...

But even with all this mighty power, power enough to destroy worlds after worlds by constantly rounding it to a fine point, it was not enough to destroy the ASTROCOCK, Professor Snape, nor his intern apprentice's bindings...

This is because a mysterious object was caught by it's might first, the object have deflected the rod's tremendous power... It was just an old man, an old frail and skinny man with a boner brought about by "Erectus Gigantus"... What kind of anomaly might this be...?

"...!"

Chair breaks the silence with his tongue, his dirty black tongue in which he used to defile a thousand mouse... He should have realized this sooner... The power inside this very old man...

"...Are you.. The alternate ego of The French God...?"

The old man besides him seemingly appeared to be squeaking in fear as he heard those words, at least he does in Chair's delusional minds... He squeaked like how any old man should squeaked, like a pony... but Chair knows this is only a facade...

"Ha ha.."

"A ha ha!..."

"This has been a most interesting turn of events..."

"...I would love to continue this battle, but I fear I'm all tied up..."

Chair said begrudgingly, when the giant G.U.N.D.A.M. he left behind suddenly closes in. Chair's enemies suddenly realizes the threat but it was too late to stop it, it is moving three times faster than time itself...

"...For now... I'll leave this to keep all of you company."

The G.U.N.D.A.M. smashes the bridge of the ASTROCOCK apart, creating a fairly big orifice for Chair and the old man to float out away to space... A daring ape escape this is. The G.U.N.D.A.M. barged into the bridge as soon as Chair escaped to safety, taking his place.

The ASTROCOCK, thanks to it's energy metal skin, quickly fixes the damage in seconds, but was too late to stop the intrusion of the G.U.N.D.A.M.

Even though the G.U.N.D.A.M. is huge, and by that, IT'S HUGE, HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGE, it still fits snugly inside the bridge of the ASTROCOCK... As the ASTROCOCK is ever expanding, and you can fit so many lewd things into it... So many lewd things...

Every one, every lolicat, every oil mines, and every janitors resides in every IKEA closets, was taken aback by the shape of this giant, black machine from Chair. It's masculine, pointy edges contrasts with Chair's own legendary rounded edges... because for a black man to round a corner so round, he needs something sharp, very sharp and pointy... and the G.U.N.D.A.M. is that very sharp object. Suddenly, it's psyco-frame suddenly glows manly hot pink as it grabs the INTELIGENT-DEVICE of a rod... At the moment of handling, the rod shakes and grumbles the ASTROCOCK to the point it's metallic frame begins to crack... An achievement made easy for the rod's built in vibrator...

"Stand by ready."

The rod spoke the voice of Chair, as he has taken time to voice every single command lines of the rod with his melodic chants, just like every casual would do to his new iPhone... Mac logos, all over the G.U.N.D.A.M., demonically turns anew as it's black metallic skin was twisted beyond repair.

"Execute command six-ty-six by nine-ty-nine, Excellion mode engaged..."

As the INTELIGENT-DEVICE again speaks the voice of Chair, the G.U.N.D.A.M.'s new logo has taken shape... An X embroidered in green has replaced the Mac logo entirely, an the HYPER-WEAPON of the G.U.N.D.A.M. has changed shaped into the logo of Marathon Bungie...

The G.U.N.D.A.M. combined with the rod, the two has transformed into it's real form, The Xbone.

What Snape and his goons sees before there eyes was the bane to all Mac produce, for the Mac logos of the G.U.N.D.A.M. was only a clever facade to hide it's true identity, a Bungie produce... For they are traitors who have followed the ways of the Xbox, they have betrayed all that is Macintosh with a passion, a passion for Capitalism, a passion to become big in Amerika.

Indeed, as Bungie have been big in Amerika, as the Xbone they sole worship is a machine as big as Amerika itself, a foul Capitalist smell can be sensed all over their lard soaked office clothing...

"
Give me a D.
Give me a U.
Give me an R.
Give me an A.
Give me an N.
Give me a D.
Give me an A.
Give me an L.

What does it spell?
"

The rod speaks clearly and freely... Taunting Snape and their enemies...

[wibod]

Turning to Professor Snape, Darkness Soulicus Darksoul begins to hypothesize about the scene unfolding in front of them. "It would seem that this Chair man is a denizen of the warp, he is probably a follower of the chaos god Metzen. The power of his self insert magic is quite formidable, and the heretical ploticus armourus he is clad in seems to have been taken from the very depths of the chaos planet Irvine. In fact I would go so far as to say that this robot currently sitting on our bridge is a gift from Metzen himself."

At this moment the Marathon and Xbone logos appeared on the robots' chest and the Professor has a momentary look of confusion cross his face. Darkness Soulicus Darksoul was well versed in the chaotic powers lore though and seized the opportunity to explain why his theory was correct. " You see Professor this is very much the doing of Metzen. If you look at the Marathon logo on its chest it's associated with Bungie and while it may appear at first glance that this fits well with the Xbone crest, you must also remember that that chapter is no longer under the thrall of the minor chaos lord BALLMER. This is a very typical mistake and likely an attempted retcon by Metzen, but since we have learned of this mistake this robot should be relatively harmless."

As he finished his explanation the ASTROCOCK shuddered violently from the robots magicks. "I should stress the relative part Professor".

[IskatuMesk]

Professor Snape briefly glanced at his jeweled, dreidel-shaped watch. If this distraction lasted much longer, he'd be late for his manicure.

"I fear this unscheduled appointment has lasted entirely too long," he mused absently. He gestured his wand at one of the consoles in the bridge beside him. A faint humming filled the air.

"Do not disgrace these plastic halls with the stench of the neckbearded one again, mister Chair, or the consequences shall be most dire. The White Hole, a singularity of infinite complexities, should keep you busy for a while. Edward, the door."

A burly man opened a door to the left. Seemingly, nothing happened. But the humming snapped, and the ASTROCOCK's jump drives thundered a deep drone. The GUNDAM suddenly vanished in a steamy cloud of grunting noises, and sensors indicated the contacts outside the bridge had also vanished.

Snape momentarily pondered what that old man had been doing in the vents, but shrugged it off and returned to his scheduled appointments.

"Oh, and do modify our defense routines to account for Metzen's minions. I believe bible verses are an effective weapon."

[wibod]

"Yes Professor right away, I will contact PCM and have him plaster the hull in the new testament."

Turning away Darkness Soulicus Darksoul took his d20 and flung it into the air as he began casting his incantations to communicate with the touching one. It appeared to hang in the air momentarily, but then came crashing down onto the floor of the ASTROCOCK startling the interns looking at pornography and kicking up a thick layer of dust.

As the dust cleared a 9 winked back at the Psyker as his dicebag began to vibrate furiously as 5d10s emerged from the sac. "Well shit..." the Psyker muttered as the warp energies twirled the dice around and implanted them into the skulls of random crew members. The Psyker gathered the dice and looked on in horror as they revealed their secrets 10,3,5,9,7 and the Psyker winked out of existence as time contracted around him. As the Psyker disappeared a single d10 fell to the floor and showed 4.

Professor Snape was very displeased upon realizing that he would have to wait an extra 4 minutes for his orders to be carried out.

[KnoutOut]

After an intense staring battle that seemed to last a few days between him and the other men in the horseshop, the naked man became inpatient for an answer and decided to set off on his own.

To shield himself from the lolli's attack, he needed earplugs that were able to absorb the sonic waves which can cut through space and time. His buttocks experienced extreme strain, as did his face. After several minutes of intense pressure building, screaming and bleeding, he finally shit out two earplugs. All craftmanship is of highest quality. It is engraved with an apple. On it is an image of a lolli murdering a shopkeeper.

He inserts the earplugs into his ears and activated his scanner to figure out his next move. It seems that glitterdust still remained on the ground, making it a easy trail to track down the lolli. He pauses for a moment and takes a deep breath as a breeze passes by his beautiful face. He remains still for a few seconds, and suddenly breaks his frozen state and sprints forward at speeds compareable to rockets and super-jets, his giant erected wiener swinging all over the place and knocking over random bystanders. The sheer thought of catching the lolli alone gave him both the erection and the fuel to keep running like this. Soon he will have his revenge.

[Ricky_Honejasi]

KnoutOut's post happened, he went outside for his new-found quest while Bill did watch everything that happened. Bill avoided being in KnoutOut's way or even being seriously noticed by him.

And so Mark's, wibod's and Mesk's posts happened.

Chair Aznable managed to escape into his G.U.N.D.A.M despite being binded. The G.U.N.D.AM was transformed into the XBone. However the transformed G.U.N.D.A.M was sucked into Professor Snape's White Hole, which is a singularity of infinite complexities.

Meanwhile, Darkness Soulicus Darksoul is adding bible verses to the defense routines at Professor Snape's command inside a time bubble.

Due to Chair Aznable's daring escape, the old man got sucked into space. He is now dead and spinning pointlessly.

[DuplexBeGreat]

The universe was in turmoil. Lolicat girls defied logic, symbolic space battles were played on the computer screens of NSA operatives too busy interrogating a homosexual, sex-deprived goldfish to care, unicorns disappeared into nothingness before their organs could be harvested to provide shelter for a needy family of ameboa.
Yet the Hrazijat cared for none of that--- well, perhaps the breach of logic, for such was defiance of the universe's laws, and must be punished. But at the moment, the Hrazijat had more important matters to take care of, such as his wife, the great Gtysimbup of London, Isabelle. She was missing.
Normally, the Hrazijat cared not if whatever wife he had at any given time disappeared, for he could simply buy another one from the second-in-command of his underground Muslim Atheist Theocrat Arab Pokémon Kenyan Communist Nazi sharia-law-supporting Islamocommunofascist Muslim state, the Bobadick. However, this particular wife had failed to be properly tattooed with the mark of the god WalcRozar, as she had only been purchased yesterday. If she could not be found and the ceremony performed, the Hrazijat knew the god would be so displeased that it might incline him to strike the underground Muslim Atheist Theocrat Arab Pokémon Kenyan Communist Nazi sharia-law-supporting Islamocommunofascist Muslim kingdom of Relsedjistan with a plague, or worse, a Dark Swarm. It was of utmost importance that the Gtysimbup be found before sundown. The Hrazijat turned to press the button that would send a signal to launch the elite commando team NORRISHUNTERS--- oh, there she was.
Isabelle had hidden from the house's sex robot inside of the time-travel machine that had appeared in the house yesterday but had not yet been examined. She was found, all was well.
The Hrazijat returned to watching his nyan.cat record slowly increase.

[IskatuMesk]

Today was a well-dressed day, Professor Snape had decided. His eyes scanned the thousands of rows of suits before him. To the untrained eye they appeared unnaturally identical, but Snape knew them all, down to the finest imperfections. Would he be engulfed in the grizzly garb of last century's bloody Abortion trial extreme, or play a more conservative Last Night's Reception shade? The bold abyss of hell's thorny anus, or the welcoming, warm blacks of Ted Turner's fancy?

Finally, he decided on a deceptively tame Homecoming Hero midnight, a suit that scarcely veiled his bulging pecs and surging biceps. Straightening out his long, seductive hair before a dusty mirror, he took one last glance at a nearby monitor laying out his schedule for the day.

Star Fortress Grapedrank, a new fortification on the distant rim of the sector, was nearing completion. A pet project by his oil riggers to send merry song throughout the radio waves, it was every much a broadcast center as it was an impenetrable battlestation. Within the day it would soon begin overflowing conventional radio signals with what most plebians might describe as "horrific" music. But to the masculine, tireless men of the north, these hymns kept the spirits high as they strip mined every rock they could find, inhabited or not, of oil. What was the oil used for, you ask?

"Heavens, just look at the time," Snape muttered as he glanced at his watch. It was ripe time for the ASTROCOCK to give the Earth another Phallic Eclipse. The ship would soon move in the way of the sun and imprint a tremendous rod-shaped shadow across the planet's surface. A part of the Apple release ceremony, they had been told.

"The Gate will expand soon, opening for all to see," Snape whispered to himself. straightening his cuffs to systematic perfection and glancing one last time at the mirror. "And when the Gate opens, the world will know paradise. At least, for a moment."

His stride into the bridge was slow. Deliberate. The confusion and distractions of an hour past were long forgotten as the crew's surgical actions sent reactions spinning across the system. The ASTROCOCK bustled with activity. A new day had arrived. A new day of opportunity and splendor.

[wibod]

As Professor Snape entered the bridge of the Astrocock once more the time bubble containing Darkness Soulicus Darksoul burst and deposited the Psyker firmly on his bottom. To those around him he had appeared to have been gone for only a few minutes, but the time bubble is whack shit yo and he was gone for much longer. Needless to say the Psyker was confused as all fuck.

"Well then, that was an interesting ten thousand years!" the Psyker exclaimed to the Professor as he scuttle out into the hall to walk the 42 levels of deck to PCMs cathedral.

Upon arriving at the cathedral (which was actually a janitorial closet) the bouncer asked Darkness Soulicus Darksoul to sign in. Sighing the Psyker took the clipboard from the bouncer and looked for a spot to sign in, of course some edgy faggot had scrawled FUCK YOU across the sheet and taken up more than one slot. Feeling even more annoyed he signed and entered into the cathedral that could be best described as both damp and Chris Hansen's wet dream. At the far end of the room was a very large chair with it's back turned to him.

"Are you the one they call PCM?" Darkness Soulicus Darksoul asked. The chair snapped around revealing a manlet wearing a priests robe and carrying several bibles.

"Yep, but you can call me PCM the Professional Cybernetic Molester. Has a nice ring to it don't you think?" The manlet pronounced as he gestured to his name plate on his desk that said just that.

Darkness Soulicus Darksoul had no wish to be in this manlets presence for any longer than possible and relayed the Professors orders to him. As the Psyker left he heard the chair creak and the priest groan as he prepared his paste to slather the ASTROCOCK in holy armour.

[mark_009_vn]

"...."

Chair grumbles begrudgingly inside his XM X-2 Xbone G.U.N.D.A.M. as he had allowed not simply the ASTROCOCK to escape, but also the old man to be lost in space as well...

Right now, Chair is forever imprisoned in The Void as he was sucked in by Professor Snape's White Hole... A hole white enough that no black man would dare toi enter, as the silhouette of a black man is so contrasting with the surroundings, they are easy prey against the giant steefs that inhabits this lands... Only a white enough man can blend in with the environment and avoid being seen by the steefs... A natural camouflage.

"What the shit is going on here...?"

A strange voice can be heard inside the COCK-pit of the Xbone G.U.N.D.A.M, it was not Chair, nor was it Seabook Arno... It was the voice of a man mad instead, a man who has been orchestrating the battle all along...

As the mysterious character finished his one liner, the 360 degrees monitor screens on the Xbone Gundam flashes as they all display the man's true avatar, the image of a bloodied red eye, completed with the word "EYEBALLSSSZZ" underneath... His signature is no other than the motto of Intern Dynamics, "Expand your Horizon", all emblazoned in crimson red, as the man loves red, he loves the color of communism so...

"I have lost... Unfortunately so..." - Chair said angrily.

"How the hell man... I thought this supposed to turn out differently..."

The representative of Intern Dynamics spoken once more, his identity can now truly be made out, it can only be Mark_009_vn, the user who is a Char...

"Did the French God mistaken your instructions...?" - Chair spoke to his masters...

"Don't know..."

Mark_009_vn talked back to Chair, this is the man whom Chair serves... A lone intern who though backtracking the BLACK-market, has founded Intern Dynamics, a government funded cooperation whose sole purpose was to spread the teachings of Communism through the use of instrumentality.

"This is all freaking confusing... "

Indeed, the biggest secret behind the existence of Mark_009_vn is that he is a Communist, following the ways of Uncle Ho's slippers... For all this time, he has been doing what Uncle Ho's slippers once prophecised long ago, that he will succeed in colony dropping Earth using the ASTROCOCK like the KKK did to their home planet long ago... To this day, he has been massing a sizable force of MMM Vietcongs to execute that plan...

Even through Chair serves him to no end, he knows he must soon rid the world of this evil, one way or another... This is the reason for his disguise as Quattro Vagina, in order to serve The Great Steef...

Right now, Chair must continues to serve Mark_009_vn, and for this he must listen to Mark's dazzling new plan:

"What must we do now...?"

"You will have to smash White Hole apart with your iron penis... then escape to Amerika..."

"That sounds daring..."

"The more daring of a man... The more the Gods revere them."

"..."

"Hurry... You must defeat the ASTROCOCK and bring back the Mac produce. It is our only hope!.."

As Mark finishes, behind the G.U.N.D.A.M. a colossal steef approaches from the rear... The steef's huge gullet can only be complimented by it's tremendous dong the size of a battlecruiser... A war staff of the ancients used to devour the very souls of innocent farm girls, then puke them back up again.

"What da shit!" - Mark exclaims at the sight of the great steef...

The steef's penis slapped the G.U.N.D.A.M. across the horizon, the slap was so great, it causes the Xbone G.U.N.D.A.M.'s casual friendly breast shaped airbags to inflate, blinding Chair in a sea of melons.

"Hugh!..."

The stature of the steef can finally be made out... For such huge a gullet, such lardy of a man, so big in Korea... It can only be the legendary monster that crushed down the Great Wall of China, then let loose the lesser steef interns to run down the silly chinamen below...

"It is.. Bill Ropar..!" Chair exclaims.

Ropar swung his thick black rod across the horizon to hit the G.U.N.D.A.M., causing it to flail across space and time...

"The G.U.N.D.A.M. is too weak against the rod!" - Chair tried to portray his fear...

"Don't panic ! ...Your G.U.N.D.A.M. is equipped with a Three Dimension Man-neuvering gear, finely crafted by repressed pilgrims to man handle such a situation..."

"3D man-euvering gear...!?"

Chair shouted as he glanced on the funky strap-on, BDSM device the G.U.N.D.A.M. is wearing...

"I want you to use it to commence the attack on Ropar."

"Hah...!"

The G.U.N.D.A.M. activates it's 3D man-euvering gear against the advancing steef, it moves with such speed and agility, the steef can only comprehend the G.U.N.D.A.M. as a squirrel flailing around hopelessly inside a hurricane.

As the G.U.N.D.A.M. man-euvers nearer to Ropar's gullet, Mark spoke again.

"Use the power of your rod against the gullet of Bill Ropar...! Attack it's weakpoint..!"

And so Chair's INTELIGENT-DEVICE of a rod suddenly glows pink, as the Marathon logo on it began to channel BLACK magic to the tip of the shaft.

"Starlight Breaker!"

A huge beam of pink charges towards the gullet of Ropar. It causes the surrounding air to turn into sushi immediately.

Unfortunetaly, the lard inside Ropar's gullet created a magical protective barrier against the force of divine deity. It stopped the beam of pink death in it's tracks.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAA...!"

But Chair will never summit defeat, he must press himself further as he channeled more BLACK magic to the tip of the shaft... Never has a Starlight Breaker be so manly, it's powers crumbles the lard upon Bill Ropar's gullet, causing the giant steef to trip over it's own dick and fell down...

Bill Roper disintegrated into a pile of lard as he transformed back to his human form: Richard Simmons... Emerging from the neck of the steef's dick, the smell of oil still fresh on him...

"I must slay this creature once and for all"

But before Chair can bring out the finishing move, more giant steefs approaches him... Chair knows he is out numbered...

"Too many..."

"..."

"...May I execute the secret man-neuver...?"

"You mean the one stowed deep inside of Ropar's gullet?"

"Indeed"

And so, Chair moves his G.U.N.D.A.M. at warp speed with the 3D man-neuvering gear... With it's aid he can do a variation of this attack to circumcise all of the steefs... A manly man move to man handle all the white men it is...

God cannot grasp at the sight of this attack, nor can he guide enough interns to record it's motion... And so for the mortal's eyes all they could see is the after image of a bottle of rice wine... still fresh from the industrial alcohol distillation factory...

And so all the steefs turned to feces before falling down to the depths of The Void... as they were stripped of their foreskins... Chair now stood victorious against the bunch...

"It is time to leave..."

As Chair said these words, he guide his rod and his Xbone G.U.N.D.A.M. against the heavens... With the love of God and his offering of blood every morning, the rod signifies the power of all that is holy and diety before it pierces the White Hole... The heavens was splits open due to this act, thousands of holy choirs resonates it's surroundings as the Cruel Nigger Thesis was sung... The melody aids the penetrating power of the rod, causing The White Hole to slowly turning black as it was cursed with HIV...

As The White Hole was penetrated with such vicious power... It was tainted with AIDS for all of eternity... Collapsing to a fine point... Chair emerges from the hole, but now he is in a place most unfamiliar...

He was transported to an animal shop... And in the sky above it, the shape of the ASTROCOCK has casted a shadow on the ground below...

"Dicks..."



[AUTHOR'S NOTE]

Contrary to what you might believe, I haven't touched Xbone Gundam (aka Crossbone Gundam) nor Attack on Ropar at all...

[Ricky_Honejasi]

So DuplexBeGreat, Mesk, Wibod and Mark's posts essentially all happened although I censored a few minor things. While I am ridiculously lax, there are some limits.

1) PCM's alternative name will be Professional Cybernetic Molester instead. Sorry Wibod, but the previous name was simply too low of a blow for my tastes.

2) I edited out parts of Mark's posts where his characters ejaculated. Ill prefer the whole story to not go down as some very questionable cheap porn down the road.


Story-wise in ultra-short :

A) PCM is now padding the ASTROCOCK with holy armor.

B) The ASTROCOCK is now in a position to show a shadow over the planet's surface as it blocks the sun.

C) Chair Aznable with his G.U.N.D.A.M escape the White Hole then appears on the planet near the Animal shop and witness the shadow from the blocked sun.

D) Zilla, Mr. (BilltheEmu) and KnoutOut notices the shadow from the blocked sun as well.

[IskatuMesk]

"Operation: Phallic Eclipse proceeding according to plan," Edward, the esteemed, manly doorman announced. Snape studied the planet below, eclipsed in an ominous phallic-shaped shadow. Yes. The most dastardly way to announce a product. Of course, Snape wasn't the first to invent this tried and true ploy. Once space travel had become the norm, it wasn't long until both the airspance and the atmosphere of any given planet was used for excessively over the top advertising. In this age, though, Snape preferred the more subtle routes. Even now, as he studied his watch and various monitors in patience, hipsters around the world were being seduced by the excessively rounded edges of his glorious Apple products. They collected in droves and howled to the flying rod in the sky, praising their corporate masters for depriving them of their money.

Physical currency had little use to Snape, however. Sure, the ultra-synthesized plastic that men clung to with their lives could be used to barter weapons of mass destruction or innumerable pleasurebots, but it was the currency of souls that Snape required. Upgrading his gear was expensive and all, but he'd been saving up souls for quite some time for something more meaningful. Casuals weren't really worth much in terms of souls, since they weren't really sentient to begin with. Alas, Snape wasn't picky, and while the quantity over quality option was slow going, it had served him well in his previous incarnations.

It had became apparent to the Professor's shipboard sensors that the White Hole had closed and its prisoner escaped. He found himself caring little for this turn of events. After all, he had his suit on, now. Not even the most savage of barbarians would so much as shoot such a well-dressed corporate businessman a rude stare. Indeed, this attire was perfect for dealing with the most formidable demons in the modern world - bankers.

Even though it was rarely Snape who offered the common businessman so much as a glance, the bankers discussing business opportunities with Snape's various representatives could still make out his features on their monitors in the background. Snape need do nothing but exist at this point, his very presence and insane charisma rolls disarmed their attempts to overcome his corporate front before they even began.

Truth be told, even if this corporate campaign was a resounding success, of which was all but assured by now, it did little to extend his master plan. Even complete failure had meant nothing. Snape was biding time, making ends meet in the lowest levels while the upper chain slowly turned. Such as it had been for thousands of years. This time was different, though. The pieces were finally locking together, now. If only it hadn't been for those meddling kids in the earlier years, they'd have been sealed a lot sooner. Alas, Snape is a patient man. He didn't allow such frivolities to provoke even so much as the slightest amount of emotion. They were simply stepping stones to a greater understanding.

Capitalism. Such a sick, lucid evil. A demon of so many forms, each more vile and putrid than the last. The most diabolical and sinister of devils still prayed to the almighty Gods of capitalism, of which there were many. But all of the Capitalist Gods had a beginning, just as many of them had an end, strewn across the memories of the Warp for aeons forthwith. However, for a mere mortal to have known of any of their names in such an era... brought curiosity to Snape. If only that fool had known who he was truly entertaining. The truth would destroy him, much like how lesser businesses were being destroyed by his nameless assassin across the systems. The silent, eternal threat of subsidizing.

Snape had yet to unleash his greatest weapon. The release of this legendary product would seal the deal of the day, leave hipster and casual alike speechless. Yes. The Fedora. Lost in a short age where hats dropped out of hipsterville and left thousands gasping for air as they drowned in conformity, the Fedora was almost lost in the blink of an eye. But after sacrificing many interns, Snape had learned of its secrets. The final cog in the midst of a sea of churning tubes and pipes, gears and mechanisms.

But would it be enough?

[KnoutOut]

A great phallic shadow settles over the land, startling darkness rests at it's place. A creeping feeling of doom and despair crawls up his spine, and he hears the wheeping of little children.

"Truly fantastic!"

He still sprints away to find the lolli, but it seems that he will soon have reached the end of the trail. Indeed, ontop of a hill the lolli sits under a tree and is listening to music from her iphone. The lolli gasps in absolute shock when she spots the man sprinting towards her at fullspeed, wasting no time to stop. She utters many ":O :O >:!!! O_O XoX 8O 8O OOO: :E xC" to stop him, but the masterly crafted earplugs save his life and with over 9000 miles per hour and his willy pointing forward like a lance of light, impact occurs and

Spoiler

[REDACTED]

Pieces of flesh and blood rain from the sky, animals run away scared, and even the trees shutter in the face of the events that just have unfolded. But inmidst this chaos, a brave hero stands at the top of a great hill, his entire body covered in feces and blood. Suddenly light shines upon him, and he knows: Justice has been done today.

Then the light disappears, and the phallus monstrus shadow of the floating ASTROCOCK is all over his face. It appears that for slaying one evil, another one has come to take it's place. A great evil. He stares at the astrocock, with a look of challenge, heroism, glory. He takes a last look at the deed he has done, and discoveres the iphone, which doesn't even seem to have a scratch. Looks like it ROLLED IT OFF.

After searching the iphone, he doesn't find anything but japanese k-pop music and over 1 million pictures of cats and baby kittens. He stashes it into his excrement letout, and sets off to find out more about the gigantic penis that has taken over the sun.