{DF} Cakeanguish

Moderator: IskatuMesk

User avatar

Topic author
IskatuMesk
Xel'naga World Shaper
Xel'naga World Shaper
Posts: 8776
Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 1:40 pm
Location: M͈̙̞͍͞ͅE̹H̨͇̰͈͕͇̫Ì̩̳CO̼̩̤͖͘
Contact:
Status: Offline

{DF} Cakeanguish

Postby IskatuMesk » Sat Apr 18, 2009 1:35 am

Image


Okay, let'see what we-


WHAT

THE

FUCK

Image


Okay. After being bedazzled by the really weird terrain, particularly our wagon somehow ending up on the peak of a mountain, I take a quick look at who we'll be calling neighbors...

Image

I hear swallowmen give good head.

The logistics of this map are pretty insane. I appear to be on one of a few peaks of a mountain, fairly high in the air. Whatever idiot decided this was a great place to set up camp is going to be flogged.

Image

Even better, there's supposedly a cave filled to the brim with foul beings somewhere below us, within pissing distance from the ledge. All underneath the caravan the terrain expands out into a slope, eventually reaching the small bit of flatlands readily visible, complete with a river we'll probably need to use in the future.

The river and base of the mountain, west-syde.

Image

The cave of unsurpassed evilness. It only has one way out - straight into our fleshy, virgin anuses.

Image

I orangize the lads into a fierce laboring force and plot out our future home in this god-forsaken mountain.

Image

10th Felsite

So much for a fierce laboring force. The goddamn slackers are taking too long to hack apart the stone walls. Don't they realize what horrors lurk in that chasm next to us!? Perhaps I'll have to introduce some of them to it. At least my smoother seems to be making excellent progress.

Image

12th hematite

For the moment, food is my greatest concern. Since there is no dirt in the fortress, I've ordered construction of an exterior farm. I'll wall it up and apply a door and hopefully this will keep it safe from future intruders.

Image

26th Galena

Fairly uneventful so far. Started digging deep into the earth in the hopes of finding some dirt to work with, but only granite so far.

Image
Image~[Gameproc]~Image
Warning: dialogue contains politically incorrect content. Viewer rearsore may occur.

User avatar

Topic author
IskatuMesk
Xel'naga World Shaper
Xel'naga World Shaper
Posts: 8776
Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 1:40 pm
Location: M͈̙̞͍͞ͅE̹H̨͇̰͈͕͇̫Ì̩̳CO̼̩̤͖͘
Contact:
Status: Offline

Re: {DF} Cakeanguish

Postby IskatuMesk » Sat Apr 18, 2009 1:06 pm

11th limestone

Desperate for an answer to our upcoming food crisis, I order one of our miners to open up a cave in the elevation next to the brook.

Meanwhile...

DEEP IN THE CAVE OF SUPREME EVIL, THE BATMEN AWAIT

Image

They're also flying around.

Image

23rd limestone

The dwarven cavaran arrives. Without any real goods to trade, I bring out a good mountain's worth of alunite. Except, they can't carry the alunite, so I trade a steel battleaxe for a ton of food two and a dog and cat cage. Now where is my crafter... he's going to get a beating.

Image

17th Moonstone

It is early winter. So far managed to keep everyone from dehydrating or starving to death. Farm seems to be functional, if not neglected. Although plenty of flying horrors have left the cave and are roaming around the vicinity, nothing has leapt out to rape us yet. Ordered deep steep mining in hopes to find something malleable like iron.

Image
Image~[Gameproc]~Image
Warning: dialogue contains politically incorrect content. Viewer rearsore may occur.

User avatar

Topic author
IskatuMesk
Xel'naga World Shaper
Xel'naga World Shaper
Posts: 8776
Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 1:40 pm
Location: M͈̙̞͍͞ͅE̹H̨͇̰͈͕͇̫Ì̩̳CO̼̩̤͖͘
Contact:
Status: Offline

Re: {DF} Cakeanguish

Postby IskatuMesk » Sat Apr 18, 2009 2:50 pm

4th Opal

Our guy who's supposed to be brewing is not brewing. So, alcohol is extremely scarce and about to run out. Also, the dwarves are too lazy to clean up the thousands of dead animals the cat has left lying around the fortress. Miasma everywhere! I assigned a second dwarf to brew but he's also being lazy.

Image

My mining operation is infested with cave spiders and snakes.

Image

Miasma!

Image

19th Obsidian

The mining operations and battle against the constant onslaught of miasma continues. Narrowly averted the crisis of no drink - by ordering one of the workers to become a brewer. Out of 3 guys, only 1 has bothered to do anything. For the moment we have plenty of drink. Finding all sorts of crazy rocks under this mountain.

Image

205, 1st Felsite

Spring so far has been uneventful. But, suddenly!

Image

Noooo!


While I couldn't find the body or the culprit, at least some good news came right afterwards.

Image

I don't know who'd be foolish enough to come her-

Image

*faceplam*

That's right next to the chasm!

Image

Somehow, all of them made it past without disturbing anything.

Time to organize the newcomers into a fierce slave squad.

Suddenly,

Image

He claims a craftsdwarf's workshop, RIGHT after I got the craftsdwarf building there. He jacks no less than three of my highly valued pieces of wood...

Image

Surely enough, the construction soon finishes..

Image

I have a feeling this is a horrible omen.

20th Felsite

Found our dead cat.

Image


Our ranger found a Batman to play with.

Image

The ranger escapes with no injuries, and the batman escapes with bleeding and slightly bruised arm.

Then suddenly,

Image

Looks like I'll be able to make those bone crossbows after all!
Image~[Gameproc]~Image
Warning: dialogue contains politically incorrect content. Viewer rearsore may occur.

User avatar

Topic author
IskatuMesk
Xel'naga World Shaper
Xel'naga World Shaper
Posts: 8776
Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 1:40 pm
Location: M͈̙̞͍͞ͅE̹H̨͇̰͈͕͇̫Ì̩̳CO̼̩̤͖͘
Contact:
Status: Offline

Re: {DF} Cakeanguish

Postby IskatuMesk » Sat Apr 18, 2009 4:25 pm

2nd Hematite, 205

Cave Swallowmen (who we've yet to prove the rumor about) and Batmen (wannabes) have upped the stakes by flying around in the air and harassing the farmers and fishers trying to do an honest day's job. Apparently a Batman managed to somehow appear inside my fortress and got maimed.

24th Malachite

Summer has been hell. Mostly because of the lazy farmers and the growing problem of food shortage which has now become nothing short of the second apocalypse. No drink and no food means depressed dwarves.

To make matters even worse, more migrants have arrived.

I have set up a number of horses and puppies to be reduced to biscuits.

20th Galena

Just as I scarcely get the beer and food situation handled (juggling between 2 a piece), ...

Image

He jacks a the only metal bar I have, of the precious green ore...

Image

He creates some random nickel spear. I'm disappointed in the lack of spikes and/or images of starving dwarves.

11th limestone

Finally, the dwarven caravan arrives.

Image

Traded a bunch of charms and idols carved out of puppy bones and insane amounts of stone shit for a ton of food and beer in addition to three new cats. The dwarves cheered, horray! Then they found this.

Image
Last edited by IskatuMesk on Sat Apr 18, 2009 9:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Image~[Gameproc]~Image
Warning: dialogue contains politically incorrect content. Viewer rearsore may occur.

User avatar

Topic author
IskatuMesk
Xel'naga World Shaper
Xel'naga World Shaper
Posts: 8776
Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 1:40 pm
Location: M͈̙̞͍͞ͅE̹H̨͇̰͈͕͇̫Ì̩̳CO̼̩̤͖͘
Contact:
Status: Offline

Re: {DF} Cakeanguish

Postby IskatuMesk » Fri Apr 24, 2009 9:20 pm

THE LEGEND OF CAKEANGUISH CONTINUES


10th Timber, 205, Late Autumn

The liason from the merchants is still following our miners around, even though the merchants are long gone. Something is peculiar about that fellow... I assign two wardogs to the miner in question, just in case the liason's hand get a bit invasive.

Image


After a while, the Liason finally catches up to my miner and rants at him. I tell him to ship me puppies, seeds, food, alcohol, and some other random stuff.

Meanwhile, outside, Gnomes and Batmen engage in mortal combat.

Image
Image

Upon closer inspection, the gnomes are not only killing the Batmen, they're tearing them apart.

Image

Irritated by constant harassment from gnomes and batmen, I decide to try to get some of the lads to put the insane amount of bolts and bone to use. I convert one of my useless peasants into becoming a crossbowdwarf.

12th Moonstone

Suddenly!

Image

Upon closer inspection, I can't find the offending spider anywhere.

Image

Meanwhile, I've been slowly adapting the only portion of our cave with sand and peat in it to become our new farmland. Within time, the Dwarves won't have to cross the entire map to get to a food source! They'll just have to go under the entire map. Preferably safe from the batmen and gnomes.

Image

10th Opal

Oh Christ.

Image

He grabs a ton of stone and then decides he wants a "tree, living", gems, and "stone". Okay. There's fucking stone and trees all over the place. Gems on the other hand...

Now seems like a great time to note that the exterior farm's wall still has yet to be completed, years after it was first started on.

Image

Just when I think the guy is going to go insane because he doesn't have whatever crazy rock he wants, SUDDENLY

Image

A quick inspection yields nothing of interest until I find this;

Image

I'm almost confident that years of tyranny from gnomes and batmen and imaginary cave spiders is slowly wearing away at the lads' sanity.
Image~[Gameproc]~Image
Warning: dialogue contains politically incorrect content. Viewer rearsore may occur.

User avatar

Topic author
IskatuMesk
Xel'naga World Shaper
Xel'naga World Shaper
Posts: 8776
Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 1:40 pm
Location: M͈̙̞͍͞ͅE̹H̨͇̰͈͕͇̫Ì̩̳CO̼̩̤͖͘
Contact:
Status: Offline

Re: {DF} Cakeanguish

Postby IskatuMesk » Fri Apr 24, 2009 11:08 pm

1st Obsidian

A jeweler's workshop was thrown together with a few pebbles and now one of the random fools is working on cutting all of the gems lying around in the spider-infested basement.

By infested, I mean infested.

Every single one of those crystal-like objects are webs. You can see no less than 4 spiders immediately, while more are hiding. And this is just ONE level out of 10 or so. Not to mention outside; the cave of supreme evil is also infested with webs as is many of the confusing-as-balls ledges on this hill of anguish. Despite our small community of cats, the spiders are clearly the dominant lifeform around here.

Image

Drink is plentiful and food storage is reasonable. So far, this enthralling adventure might just make it.

An archery range is designated for our fledgeling sniper, and an Axedwarf is forged from the fires of a stray peasant. Watching him miss the targets by up to ninety degrees brings warmth to my cold heart. Maybe there is hope for us after all.

I should also mention our Silk operation. As there is so many cave spiders, our weaver has filled over a dozen bins with silk cloth and thread.

25th Obsidian

Our darling little peasant has finally become a Marksdwarf and in the process has nearly exhausted our supply of bolts. Meanwhile, the miners continue to unearth insane amounts of Granite. As their work progressed, the entire farming operation has been moved into the relative safety of the caverns beneath our base, where the farmers only have to worry about getting pinched from spiders. Our food supply seems to be running quite low again.

Somehow we ran out of seeds for Plump Helmets. I've told the farmers to try Dimple Cups. I don't know if we have seeds for those, either, but it's worth a shot.

Spring arrives

When I first heard of this mountain and supposedly unspeakable riches, I was expecting magma, water, and iron. Instead, all we have found so far is spiders, spiders, more spiders, and enough granite to drown a hippo. The miners located two little spots of damp stone; hell if I know what they are. The mythical underground river, or something else? Mining under it has discovered nothing. Time to try above it.

I order the construction of additional traps to make use of all those mechanisms. You can never be too careful. I expect more migrants soon, which might attract unwanted attention.

Every now and then kobolds or goblins appear to try to steal things, but usually just run out of the map at first sight; like they're too terrified of the terrain to even bother attempting to steal anything.

2nd Slate

The food crisis has come again. I wonder how many puppies we have left from the previous massacre...

Not many. They've all been adopted by now, anyway.

Well, this could be bad.

I ordered a few of the stray dogs and some other animal to be slaughtered. It seems that despite having over 500 seeds and having desigated the entire map to be harvested, our retarded herbalists and farmers are too busy banging the cave spiders to be of any use.

18th Slate

Apparently a king arrived dressed as a peasant. What kind of retarded king wants to rule this place? I expect a flow of retarded mandates and demands. Looks like my secret plan will have to go into action sooner than I had anticipated...

At the same time, a cook jacks the craftsdwarf's shop. Great! He immediately starts ranting about shells, leather, and skeletons of all things. Yeah. We don't have any of those.

The king and his envoy of lunacy brings my population to 59. About to become 58. Apparently all the queen is wearing is a single sock.

Image

Knowing full and well the cook will go insane, I've ordered the doors locked and barred. Just in time to hear the terrified screams of our fishers!

Image

/facepalm

Apparently the King brought with him a second ranger to replace our old one - who immediately set to business slaughtering a groundhog.

Meanwhile, Cerol, our chief engraver, engraves masterpiece after masterpiece.

Image

One could say his creativity needs work, however.

I order the construction of several more workshops. Tanner's, leatherworks, siege workshop, and something called an "Ashery". I hope this is where we can turn the King into decorations. Don't tell him I said that.

Meanwhile, the Chasm randomly becomes engulfed in Miasma.

Image

4th Hematite, 206

Our beloved cook went insane. Good thing he's trapped where he'll never get out!

Eventually I got tired of waiting for him to die so I let him loose where two of my war hounds immediately descended on him. Within seconds the little cook is torn apart. His head flies off his shoulders and his entire body is bisected leaving behind two dozen chunks and every limb capable of being detached.

Image
Image~[Gameproc]~Image
Warning: dialogue contains politically incorrect content. Viewer rearsore may occur.

User avatar

Topic author
IskatuMesk
Xel'naga World Shaper
Xel'naga World Shaper
Posts: 8776
Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 1:40 pm
Location: M͈̙̞͍͞ͅE̹H̨͇̰͈͕͇̫Ì̩̳CO̼̩̤͖͘
Contact:
Status: Offline

Re: {DF} Cakeanguish

Postby IskatuMesk » Sat Apr 25, 2009 2:04 am

13th Hematite

In a bid to preserve my collection of bones, I create a pile for bones next to my first craftsdwarf's shop. Also, a human caravan arrives.

Some kobolds decide this is the perfect time to peek their heads out of a corner.

Image

I sell the caravan a bunch of silk cloth and some shitty stone crafts for a forest worth of lumber and a ton of food, along with another fresh piece of me- err, horsie. I also order the construction of a bunch of silk bags. Might help the stumpy retards from cluttering up the place.

7th Malachite

The dwarves are in a vicious circle of drinking all of the alcohol but refusing to brew more because they have no barrels, but are too lazy to make more barrels.

21st Malachite

Still hanging on the verge of a beer drought, I realize a part of the problem is the need for a much larger storage space. With the miners tearing apart the entire mountain casually mining elsewhere, I've ordered a small portion in the uppermost cavern to be used for more food. Also, the carpenters seem terrified of making barrels. Yes, there's two of them now.

Incidentally, my weaver who has been so painstakingly adamant with simply getting bit by invisible spiders now finds himself taken by mood and jacks the clothier's shop. And he also wants a shell. Great!


2nd Galena

One of my miners reports that he's found warm stone. Upon investigation, I can see how he came across that discovery.

I'm trying to figure out how he found the warm stone AFTER he jumped into the magma hole.

Image

18th Galena

My engravers are retarded.

Image

The weaver went insane and is running around ranting to people about shells and shit that were sitting there the entire time waiting to be used.

15th Limestone

Been a while since we've had any drink. Stupid fucking carpenters. I thought I had bought bars off of the humans - well, I don't have any, and no one can find any. So no chain for a well to stop everyone from killing each other because brooks make them depressed.

Dwarven caravan arrived.

My weaver, now totally naked, is just flailing around.

Meanwhile I buy over 300 drink from the caravan. With drink comes barrels. Woot, barrels! Also, more dogs.

27th Limestone, 206

Now both the weaver and the queen are running around babbling at people. My secret plan to get rid of nobility will have to be reduced to simply having them slaughtered or caged somewhere. How distasteful.

Suddenly miners find a massive pool of water.

Image

Filled with lizardman.

Almost instantly the miners are set upon by horrors unleashed by their approach! Luckily, the miners still have the dogs I originally sent to protect them from nosey liasons.

Image

The War Hound effortlessly cleaves the olmman.

As my miners retreat, I station my one marksdwarf to the edge of the pool to take pot shots at them. Additionally I'm telling my recruit axedwarf to standby in case someone attempts to retaliate.

We're currently at 69 population. Time to make more marksdwarves, I think.

At this time both the queen and the weaver are passing out in random areas while naked.

23rd Sandstone

With the Marksdwarf and his band of merry men (two of them) following him, he unleashes volley after volley into the water pool; generally missing everything by miles, but managing to slightly injure an Olmman.

During the next volley, the cave crocodile heads up for some fun. After taking off the Marksdwarf's leg, one of the axedwarfs sunks his axe into its skull. Both the croc and an Olmman are dragged away for later molestation.

Image

The dwarves return and another volley is unleashed, maiming a Lizardman. Moments later, a second lizardman draws too close and is pelted in the head and chest by a volley of bolts forged of Goat testicles, killing him almost instantly. A third lizardman takes bolts to his right arm and is stunned.

Did I mention the wounded dwarf seems to have grown his leg back? The second marksdwarf returns to fire a single bolt, then both marksdwarfs run off to acquire more bolts.

The queen mills around dehydrating outside the front of the fortress, while the weaver is nowhere to be found. A quick review of our inventory yields that we have a ton of drink and food. However, we've yet to find any iron which is the most troubling part of these last two years. With the magma pipe easily accessible, we only need an iron anvil and a source of iron to start forging weapons and metal objects.


6th Timer

Volley after volley has nearly made the pool safe for our fisherdwarves to begin harvesting food from it.

11th Timber

Migrants arrived. The first thing they got to see was a Swallowman that descended upon them and proceeded to initiate a mating ritual with their Wrestler.

Image
Image~[Gameproc]~Image
Warning: dialogue contains politically incorrect content. Viewer rearsore may occur.

User avatar

Topic author
IskatuMesk
Xel'naga World Shaper
Xel'naga World Shaper
Posts: 8776
Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 1:40 pm
Location: M͈̙̞͍͞ͅE̹H̨͇̰͈͕͇̫Ì̩̳CO̼̩̤͖͘
Contact:
Status: Offline

Re: {DF} Cakeanguish

Postby IskatuMesk » Sat Apr 25, 2009 2:34 am

12th Timber, 206, Late Autumn

Now, with everything besides the Queen and Weaver's mental states stable, I think it's a good time to get an idea of how far our fledgling fortress has progressed in the side of the most god-forsaken mountain in this side hell.

With our population this high, it is probably wise to assemble a more beefy military in preparation for the future. Additionally, with the cave pool almost cleared out, it seems like our drink and food shortages shouldn't bother us for a while.

I find it astounding how little our items that we wear are worth. Perhaps it's time to seek better garments, and make use of all of that spider silk. We also somehow manage to have 17 farmers and 11 Craftsdwarves. I think it's time to thin their ranks a bit and organize the lads a bit better.

Image

This is the front of our home. The queen was directly south of the refuse pile, unconscious and naked; no idea where she is now, probably in someone's wagon trunk. It's a wonderful world where the royalty can be reduced to town bicycles within a year. Also shown is our trade depot; filled with about 40 Alunite ore so heavy that no cavaran has been able to hold more than a few pieces, and so worthless that it's worth its weight in shit. The entrance isn't the most defendable position, but well-trapped and probably impervious to most invasions. Only a few of the original dwarves have dedicated rooms. No pain, no gain! That's my motto.

Also shown is our dining room. It's pretty fancy, if you ignore the fact that you can't get to your table without tripping and mortally wounding yourself on the billions of tons of rubble littering it. The big room on the center right is the archery range. The one beside it is the mortuary- err, resting place of our revered dwarves.

Image

Here is the southern area of the base. There is a small statue garden at the western corner where parties are regularly held so that dwarves can get out of doing anything potentially productive, like constructing barrels to avoid a catastrophic drought that results in everyone going insane and killing each other. Also of note is the massive silk harvesting laboratory in the center.


Image

One level above this we have the last major part of the actual fortress which is basically a bunch of workshops and so much andesite and microlite it's not likely this area will be clear of stone for decades to come. One level above this is a short room for secondary food storage; incidentally, the miners have been too lazy to expand it as per my request. One level above that is the top of the mountain, a flat abyss once inhabited by over a dozen dark gnomes who managed to terrorize the lads through meters and meters of solid rock, assumably through telepathy.

Image

Shown here is about three levels beneath the fortress. Shown is both the water pool and the magma pipe; both infested with evil critters that need to be butchered mercilessly before we can use their bones for bolts to butcher more creatures to use their bones for doors and bedding for our children.

Image

Shown here is one of our many casual mining operations. They all look pretty much the same; gobs and gobs of microlite, granite, or anulite or andesite but no iron of any kind.

Image

Deeper still and you find the disco room, also containing the only Adamantite found so far.

Image

One of several Cave Spider metropolises. Other than the odd pinch given to a cat or telepathic bite given to dwarves half a mile away, they pretty much do nothing but reproduce at a rate that a dozen cats can't possibly hope to kill them, and flood entire caverns with webbing. Most of it is probably wasted because we can't collect it fast enough. Do you see the fire imp? He's so kawai! ^_^_^

Image


Phew. I better get going! The weaver just collapsed into a sweaty, dehydrated mass somewhere in the fortress. Gotta get there before they start sticking things into her corpse.
Image~[Gameproc]~Image
Warning: dialogue contains politically incorrect content. Viewer rearsore may occur.

User avatar

Topic author
IskatuMesk
Xel'naga World Shaper
Xel'naga World Shaper
Posts: 8776
Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 1:40 pm
Location: M͈̙̞͍͞ͅE̹H̨͇̰͈͕͇̫Ì̩̳CO̼̩̤͖͘
Contact:
Status: Offline

Re: {DF} Cakeanguish

Postby IskatuMesk » Sat Apr 25, 2009 3:32 am

14th Timber

The miner who came in from the last migration suddenly finds himself needing to be a slacker and is taken by a fey mood!

Also, miasma!

Image

Also the queen apparently found her way out of the trunk and back into the fortress. Meanwhile, the miner claims a mason's workshop.

While the miner works away,

Image

Yay! That'll teach you for sneaking into my fortress and making outrageous demands! Burn in hell, wench!

Ahem.

12th Moonstone

With the cave pool cleared out, it's time to move on to the magma pipe. I order the positioning of the guards just shy of the edge of the burning pit. I then noticed that the guards had about a dozen dogs following them around. Great! They can all burn in hell together if a fire imp gets out.

Image

"Well, this isn't so bad. OH SHI-"

Image

As soon as he pops his head out, the imp gets ripped apart by the war hounds.

Then, another comes.

Image

24th moonstone

One of the recruits decided to plunge into the magma, probably chasing after invisible cave spiders. Soon after another imp jumped out and got mauled. Ordering the men to pull back.

Then another jumps out, and the same hound wastes him, too.

Image
Image~[Gameproc]~Image
Warning: dialogue contains politically incorrect content. Viewer rearsore may occur.

User avatar

Topic author
IskatuMesk
Xel'naga World Shaper
Xel'naga World Shaper
Posts: 8776
Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 1:40 pm
Location: M͈̙̞͍͞ͅE̹H̨͇̰͈͕͇̫Ì̩̳CO̼̩̤͖͘
Contact:
Status: Offline

Re: {DF} Cakeanguish

Postby IskatuMesk » Mon Apr 27, 2009 2:26 am

3rd Opal, 206

Batmen continue to telepathically harass the lads. I've been told the hallucinations typically involve naked individuals prancing on tables stating that they are the real batman.

Image

I order some silver to be smelted. Time to make us a statue!

Meanwhile, the engravers set to work carving out intricate drawings in the dining room. This is the first thing newcomers will see when they come to this legendary place.

Image

After a while, a Batman descends upon the dwarves outside and begins proclaiming that he is, in fact, a batman. Upon closer inspection, this is the named batman - the one that killed the ranger some time ago.

Image

The chase goes on for days as the batman harries the peasant from behind the brook, all the way across the south, and up onto the peak of the mountain.

Image

The two shake left hands, and the batman rips his off.

But something else catches my eye.

Image

I shrug as the eagle just flops around and the batman and the peasant run circles around the summit. Meanwhile..

Image

So far the lava, which has been totally inert, has claimed a dwarf and a dog.

Suddenly!

Image

I have no fucking idea what happened, or how he got injured in the first place.  ???

1st Obsidian

That wretched Batman claims another dwarf.

Image

Shortly after..

Image

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?

Next thing I know, screams of terror echo through the halls as smoke blackens out the stairs to the caverns below, engulfing one of the bodies. I immediately suspect fire imps, but there are none to be found.

Image

Within moments, the dwarf's remains are burned to a crisp and only bones remain.

After inspection, I have come to the following conclusion. The following series of events are how the legendary woodcrafter

John Doe is walking down hallway. Suddenly, John Doe's guts spill all over the floor and he bursts into flames, filling the hallway with smoke and dying instantly. As the dust settles, only bones remain. Now smoke completely engulfs my food storage in the uppermost level.

Somehow, the upper food storage is now on fire. A boiling piece of leather made it up there, and now the entire area is engulfed in smoke. Without a way to remove the staircase, another dwarf succumbs to the unbearable heat of a piece of leather.

19th Obsidian

All hell has broken loose!

Image

Attempts to steal off the smoldering stockpile on the upper levels has failed.

I expect the glassmaker to go insane soon.

The mayor, one of the miners, is depressed because apparently a criminal wasn't brought to justice. Yeah, okay, whatever.

However, despite all of this, the miners brought good news.

Image

IRON!

YES!

The glassmaker jacks a glass workshop I made just for him, but sits there muttering about items that are readily available. The workshop happens to be near the magma pool, where my marksdwarves are situated.

Meanwhile, the two replacement masons I assigned are refusing to do anything masonry-ey and thus are slowing down the process of doing anything useful.

18th Granite 207

OH GOD AMBUSH

Image

Unfortunately for the goblins, I was expecting that they would eventually attack. Go, hounds! Slaughter them all!

Image

Most of the combat took place around the map where I couldn't find them. From what I could tell, the war hounds and marksdwarves pretty much slaughtered the poor goblins.

Now we're out of drink, because the carpenters are being lazy. The corpses of the dwarves have decayed, because the masons are lazy. Rooms I ordered dug out years ago remain untouched, because the miners are lazy.

I'm going to flog the lot of them.

About the only people doing what they're told are the three engravers which piss out masterpiece after masterpiece. Most of the engravings are totally irrelevant to the fortress. Those that are only relate to the other masterful engravings. I think the engravers are all a bunch of circle jerkers, and they're going to get a good talking-to.

13th Slate, 207

There is still no drink. I suspect the mayor might throw a hissy fit sometime soon; the previous mayor, one of our miners, apparently isn't the mayor anymore, and couldn't give less of a shit about criminals or dining rooms because he spends his entire life slaving away working calmly in my godless strip mining casual mining operations.

Meanwhile, the glassworker has yet to do anything. I've been watching him from around the corner; he's simply standing there, like he's in a trance, staring at the magma. Perhaps he's speaking telepathically to the imps that still lurk within its depths.

It's also worth noting that almost none of the chairs and tables can be used in the dining room anymore, covered with bones and remains of food that the babbling idiots can't spend two seconds to remove.

Also, we just struck bauxite. Let the good times roll; we now have all of the major materials to set up the secret project.

The upper stockpile is still filled with smoke.

20th Slate

Two fatalities today;

The glassmaker finally went insane and instantly fell to a volley of bolts from the nearby marksdwarves.

The batman who was responsible for the deaths of two dwarves so far finally died to a war hound as he chased what would have been his third kill.

After years of waiting, an iron anvil is finally forged, and the Magma Forge can be built.

26th Slate

Some random fools arrived, including some doofus calling himself a dungeon master. Great. Our population totals 91.
Image~[Gameproc]~Image
Warning: dialogue contains politically incorrect content. Viewer rearsore may occur.

User avatar

Topic author
IskatuMesk
Xel'naga World Shaper
Xel'naga World Shaper
Posts: 8776
Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 1:40 pm
Location: M͈̙̞͍͞ͅE̹H̨͇̰͈͕͇̫Ì̩̳CO̼̩̤͖͘
Contact:
Status: Offline

Re: {DF} Cakeanguish

Postby IskatuMesk » Tue May 05, 2009 11:25 am

The Legend of Cakeanguish continues!

8th Felsite, 207

Apparently the magma forge needs magma below 8 tiles or something. It's right next to the magma! Time for plan 42. The top area of the fortress still smolders and is filled with smoke.

Meanwhile, with an abundance of wood around, I've decided that the fortress needs more defenses. So, the plan is to figure out how to get these retards to forge a mighty ballista, just like the ones we used in the battlefields of olde.

Did I mention that the walls for the outdoor farm have yet to be fixed?

21st Felsite

Casualties from telepathic shockwaves in the force continue to amount.

Image

On the bright side, it's one less hole in the barrel of our drink economy. Only recently have we started to get drink back into the men.

2nd Hematite

It's time to start thinking about creating a more suitable entrance to our fortress. I've decided that the lower sector where the new farms are located will be perfect for the job. First, we'll construct a series of corridors filled with traps that will funnel invaders into a final, major corridor, where ballistae and marksdwarves will (hopefully) await them.

Our casual mining operation continues, finding more gold and random gems.

11th Hematite

oh god the goblins are back

The goblins this time around prove more formidable than the last ones, killing two war hounds and our town cock wrestler upon entry into the mapspace.

One of the marksdwarves decides to go mano-a-mano with the marksgoblin.

Image

In melee.

And loses.

At the sight of his lost buddy, a SECOND marksdwarf rushes into melee combat with the goblin. The goblin, exhausted after puncturing every single organ of the previous dwarf, gets punted five feet and dies.

The town mayor wastes no time in running over to the dead goblin, stripping naked, and then stealing all of his clothes for himself.

The human caravan arrives just in time to see flocks of dwarves rushing to drink from the resting place of one of the goblins.

Image

As soon as the humans arrive, one of our blacksmith's eyes bulge and he begins screaming and hopping around. Great! He claims a metalsmith forge.

Did I mention upstairs is still on fire?

23rd Hematite

I probably gave those humans too much for their beer and meat, but I don't care; we have more than enough granite dildos lying around to depart with a few tons of the junk. I also ripped much cannibalized their wagons for all the wood they had. During this time that blacksmith has been stealing truckloads of bars for some secret doomsday project he invented in some nightmarish dream filled with batmen and invisible cave spiders.

28th Hematite

He's STILL stealing random objects throughout the fortress...

1st Malachite

Finally, John Smith begins his construction. I buy a platinum bar off of the 'umies for some granite cocks.

Then the beer that we JUST got from the humans SETS ON FUCKING FIRE

Image

Smoke rages throughout the fortress and causes dwarves to bleed to death.

Image

Our beer stores go from 300 to 100 in an instant.

Just as I'm about to drink cyanide to get rid of the pain, the blacksmith charges into my room with this... thing in his hands.

Image
Image~[Gameproc]~Image
Warning: dialogue contains politically incorrect content. Viewer rearsore may occur.

User avatar

Topic author
IskatuMesk
Xel'naga World Shaper
Xel'naga World Shaper
Posts: 8776
Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 1:40 pm
Location: M͈̙̞͍͞ͅE̹H̨͇̰͈͕͇̫Ì̩̳CO̼̩̤͖͘
Contact:
Status: Offline

Re: {DF} Cakeanguish

Postby IskatuMesk » Tue May 05, 2009 11:56 am

In a bid to get rid of the flaming cod, one of the marksdwarves grabs it and rushes outside.

He will be remembered.

Image

Unfortunately, now the fire is spreading like greased cock.

The fires rage on and cause dwarves to become miniature bombs, randomly exploding and filling hallways with gore.

Image
Image

At some point, the dining room also sets on fire.

Well, at least someone is happy with current events.

Image
Image~[Gameproc]~Image
Warning: dialogue contains politically incorrect content. Viewer rearsore may occur.

User avatar

Topic author
IskatuMesk
Xel'naga World Shaper
Xel'naga World Shaper
Posts: 8776
Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 1:40 pm
Location: M͈̙̞͍͞ͅE̹H̨͇̰͈͕͇̫Ì̩̳CO̼̩̤͖͘
Contact:
Status: Offline

Re: {DF} Cakeanguish

Postby IskatuMesk » Tue May 05, 2009 2:52 pm

18th Malachite

Miasma from the roaring inferno in the upper store room has finally reached us below it.

Even though, y'know, I told them to remove the stairs and shit years ago. I swear those boys are going to get what's coming to them for defying me so long.

Before the human caravan leaves, a pikeman runs off to maim a Cave Swallowman. Judging by the moaning sounds, I'd say the rumors are true.

8th Galena, 207

THE UPPER STORE ROOM ISN'T ON FIRE ANYMORE

Well, the rest of the fortress is on fire, but yeah. Time to celebrate!

Image

The huge amount of remaining bones will serve as cribs for our children.

3rd Limestone

Time has passed. I've organized a new military to help defend the fortress, as well as cleared out a mass of staircases someone had placed instead of walls in the lower entrance-to-be. If I find out whoever is responsible for this, they'll be beaten.

The main store continues to smolder and burn, but the cod at the entrance have since burned to bones.

I've been made aware of a peasant who has yet to do anything besides consume valuable fresh air in the barracks. Apparently his lower spine is missing, but I don't care. If he doesn't do something useful in the next few days, I swear I'll make an example of him as to what happens when people slack in my fucking fortress.

Did I mention that the freaking morons in this hell hole keep throwing fresh food into the inferno in the store room? Yeah.

Also, there was apparently an invisible goblin theif hiding in the bottom of the lake. I sent the choppa boyz out to slice him up. Couldn't find any body or remains, just blood. They're getting craftier every year.

14th Limestone

Hey, the Dwarven carav- oh god

Image

Blood sprays across the ridge as the Elite dwarves set upon the goblins, followed by the caravans that repeatedly run over their prone bodies.

Image

Between cackles I order the men to harvest their heads for dinner.

I buy an entire forest's worth of tower-cap wood off of the slobs, along with several high-quality picks, some steel armor, beer, and other good stuff.

And then a SECOND goblin ambush appears.

Like clockwork, the merchant guards swarm over to them and surround them. Limbs spray across several z-levels and coat the mountainside in blood. It's raining goblin!

Image

It's worth noting that the human you see there was with the goblins. He was hacked apart with the rest of them.

When I gaze upon this mountainside, I don't see a battlefield.

I see free iron!

Image

Strike the earth, men!


Untold riches were abound within the assorted heads and limbs that dotted the countryside. One goblin was carrying 29 iron bolts! Jackpot!

Attempts to isolate the fire have proven unsuccesful. It seems that even when forbidding the dwarves to touch the burning items, the fire propagates through subspace into another food pile and sets everything on fire. One of the blacksmiths dies, once more by somehow bleeding to death, in the fire.

Out of all the snatchers who've attempted to get close to the fortress, this one had to be the dumbest.

Image
Image~[Gameproc]~Image
Warning: dialogue contains politically incorrect content. Viewer rearsore may occur.

User avatar

Topic author
IskatuMesk
Xel'naga World Shaper
Xel'naga World Shaper
Posts: 8776
Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 1:40 pm
Location: M͈̙̞͍͞ͅE̹H̨͇̰͈͕͇̫Ì̩̳CO̼̩̤͖͘
Contact:
Status: Offline

Re: {DF} Cakeanguish

Postby IskatuMesk » Thu May 14, 2009 9:35 pm

THE LEGACY OF CAKEANGUISH CONTINUES

18th Sandstone, 207

The fires are under control. Two sections of the Fortress are now doored off until they cease smoldering.

Image

All three Mason shops should now be turning the ton of stone we have into blocks. We have four stockpiles for bones - all totally filled, and the refuse pile outdoors, also filled. Strike the bone, men! Bolts for everyone!

25h Sandstone

The northern fire has died out. The area can  be used for food storage, again.

28thth Sandstone

One of the bone carvers jacks a craftdwarf's shop. He steals a bunch of stuff and then starts a mysterious construction. Also, the construction of Ballista projectiles has begun.

The bone carver makes a bone pick out of trout. What.

A master goblin thief attempts to break into the fortress but loses both his hands and passes out in front of the gate. The ranger puts him out of his misery and everyone rushes out to steal his shoes.

MONKEYS EVERYWHERE

Image

After the monkeys steal a shield I order the military to get their asses in gear and start making me shoes out of them. A Hammerdwarf punts one of the fluffy critters over 30 feet straight into the air where he procedes to fall to his death across the cliff.

13th Moonstone

Winter is upon us, and the cold seems to have forced sense and logic into one our four legendary miners who finally got the new entrance mined out and ready for rigging. I've since ordered the construction of a second ballista, and fortifications plus traps and the new replacement depot and refuse pile.

Image

23rd Obsidian

Construction on the front entrance and my secret weapon goes smoothly. The Mayor is taken by a fey mood and jacks the metalsmith forge.

14th Granite

oh god siege

Image
Image

A mechanic bleeds to death from nothing before the goblins get any closer. Telepathic hemorage?

Either that or he shot himself in the head with the ballista. I'm starting to think the latter upon inspection...

Image

The marksdwarves come out, take a single shot, and then run away to get more bolts.

Image

A few dwarves die, but the goblins retreat after a few of them are killed.
Image~[Gameproc]~Image
Warning: dialogue contains politically incorrect content. Viewer rearsore may occur.

User avatar

Topic author
IskatuMesk
Xel'naga World Shaper
Xel'naga World Shaper
Posts: 8776
Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 1:40 pm
Location: M͈̙̞͍͞ͅE̹H̨͇̰͈͕͇̫Ì̩̳CO̼̩̤͖͘
Contact:
Status: Offline

Re: {DF} Cakeanguish

Postby IskatuMesk » Sun May 31, 2009 7:44 am

Goat Nutsack


4th Slate, 208

Well, today's as good day as any to recap how the Fortress is doing and what's going on. Surprise inspection, lads!

Here's the primary level. The door to the old trade depot is now sealed off, but I left the traps there in case something somehow gets past it. Not shown: a ton of gems left lying around because the faggots are too lazy to put them in the fortress. Some monkeys made off with some a while ago.

You can probably see the worthless sack of shit that is our crippled peasant in the barracks in the top left, and the Mayor who will no doubt go insane soon and is sealed off from society in the blacksmithing room at the bottom right. Currently trying to make some coffins for the men who died to the goblins a while ago. With so little space for coffins because of our lazy miners, I've opted to have the coffins placed in random corridors that have no meaning to them at all.

Image

A place I lovingly call the Sweatshop. Here's duplicates of most of our workships and in some cases triplets. This is where most of our work is being done. We have no shortage of bones, that's for sure!

Image

You're already well-acquainted with our new entrance.

That's for all for today's surprise inspection. Strike the earth!

10th Slate

More telepathic spider bites!

22nd Slate

Some random nobles and other fools have arrived. Just in time... my secret preparations are nearly complete!

9th Felsite

Let this be known as the day of reckoning. The day where all free dwarves throw their hats into the air and proclaim, "Yay, hats!"

The Baron makes his way to his new bedroom. He's the only dwarf besides the original 7 that has been given a place of honor.

Image

Behind him, the doors are sealed shut. The door to his room magically seals itself shut, too.

As the Barons twiddles his thumbs in the dark, cold corridor, he hears an odd sound in the distance. Meanwhile, there is a green Dwarf rushing over to one of my specially-prepared chambers. He pulls a switch...

Image

The Baron doesn't know it yet, but the corridor won't be cold for long!

Image

The lava takes time to burn through the rocks in the hallway, slowly inching its way towards my sacrifice.

Image

With the first phase of my device tested, I order the switch turned back.

Beware, nobles. I have a weapon now.
Image~[Gameproc]~Image
Warning: dialogue contains politically incorrect content. Viewer rearsore may occur.


Return to “The Fancy Hats Facility”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest