Post-Black Sun

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IskatuMesk
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Post-Black Sun

Postby IskatuMesk » Tue Oct 04, 2011 9:11 pm

So, kind of just thinking aloud because it's better for me to sort things out when I do that.

Black Sun is a few weeks from being finished, at least the ingame stuff. A few strong production days could put some major work down range and really help wrap up the project, but exhaustion and physical pain on top of being massively burned out has really hurt production during the last few months. I can keep at it, but I can only burn on dry oil for so long.

With this in mind, I have seriously began to reconsider my plans to pursue any kind of custom content after this project is done. For something as simple as Black Sun, it has taken extraordinary amounts of effort and time to get this far. It's just a fucking video. What I wanted to do in the UDK was no short of a full game project even a AAA 500 member company couldn't pull off. Sure, I'd be building most of my complicated assets out of ripped content, but I still don't know any meaningful skills.

Above all, my will to continue producing projects has really suffered over the years. It's in me to seek to create and customize, but it isn't in me to remain devoted. So I stepped back and thought, "Okay, well maybe a UDK project is still too much for me to try. What else is there?"

When Black Sun is done I plan to take a break from pretty much everything I've been doing. Playing games, casting, everything. I can't even use my hands anymore, I need rest. A lot of rest. A lot of sleep. I am thoroughly emotionally and physically exhausted by so many months of unending work. I really pushed myself beyond my limits, and I'm proud about that, but they were limits for a reason, and I have suffered immensely as a result. It is likely the CTS I have will be with me for the rest of my life, as it is unlikely I will be leaving computer-related work. Not like there's anything else out there.

But I will soon desire to once more return to the crafting of worlds and dreams. I will long to attend to one of my many other concepts and ideas. The question is - should I? And if I do, which one? What should I attempt to do?

Black Sun has taught me many things about myself. Things I did not enjoy being taught. I don't have it in me to make big projects. I can't learn new tricks, I can't pick up new skillsets. I pushed hard to improve my modeling with Black Sun and I really haven't improved. I seem to have forgotten most of what I could do a year or two past, in fact. How-to videos and guides just fly into one end of my ass and out the other. Everything still seems so far beyond me. I wish I was normal. I wish I could learn things like normal people can.

There's a few misnomers that I have considered. An sc2 campaign, Skyrim, even going back to the AoW2 project. But I feel none of those would give me the peace and sense of accomplishment I desire. Sc2 is scarcely capable of handling custom content, Skyrim is like Oblivion but with Russian roulette if it's even going to be worth the time to play, and I sincerely wanted to reverse engineer the fuck out of AoW2 before modding it again - just to fix all the stupid shit that's wrong with it. Of course, I can't reverse engineer. So I don't even really humor that particular idea.

This leaves my future actions wholly uncertain. I do not know what to do, or if I should do anything at all. I miss the days I could be content, I miss the days where I didn't spend all day being furious with idiot developers and constantly finding out everything I wanted to do couldn't be done. But I know I will never stop being angry with myself for being too stupid to learn basic shit like how to model. I will keep putting everything off until I lose interest enough to dump a new project. It seems wholly futile to try to make another mod or campaign or anything at all.

/e

Addendum;


I have been pretty tight lipped about Black Sun to this side of the community for quite a long time. When I worked on the Homeworld 2 project I only spoke of it when I released some of the discarded video footage from a trailer. When the sins project began a few years back, I released a short gameplay video and then eventually Episode 0 supposedly around a year or so ago, though Episode 0 featured mostly old content from the old build.

Following Episode 0 was a total rebuild of the project several times over. Almost all of the models and such were completely changed or updated. The project doesn't even resemble Episode 0 anymore, save some of the SFX and the overall design. Episode 0 was created before the project shifted to a video-only production, and as such as still using gameplay-oriented design decisions behind balancing and such.

What is Black Sun?

Black Sun is a video project. It became a video project exclusively some months back, but it began as a Homeworld 2 total conversion, eventually shifting engines to Sins of a Solar Empire. Both games/engines are a trainwreck. But I pushed Black Sun on, with its total production life nearing four years in length. Yes. Black Sun has existed for four years. That is how long this has been going, off and on.

Image

Black Sun is not a mod, not a video, not a project. It's an obsession. Completing it is something I must do. It has become a part of my hourly, minutely thought processes. It is a part of me, bonded to my motions through a thousand endlessly long and painful nights. The end result doesn't matter. Releasing myself from its bond matters. I can only do so by completing.

It feels like I have been at this for such a long time. Such a long, long time. Ugh... I spend hours a day listening to the composition in its current state, even if I'm not watching it, but while working. Over and over. Searching in my thoughts for breakpoints in the motion, searching for something that sounds off. Tweak, tweak, tweak. Time, time, time. Balance in all things, balance in motion and silence. I seek to harness the very motion of thought through this video, but in the end I've become lost in that thought, and I no longer know if I am achieving anything at all. I must end this soon... I must know when I can tweak no further.

I think Black Sun will come off as extremely confusing and mismatched as a result of my atrophy in thoughts. In a way, it may be a way of reflecting upon the way my own thoughts work, as I have strode as far as I could in driving it to form a shape resembling myself.

Well. It may make a degree of sense in that respect, but on its own it's just a video, machinima at best.

Image

There are many large Sins projects out there sporting professional grade content, each more impressive than the last. Texture artists, musicians, modellers. Those who possess skills far exceeding my own in every manner conceivable. When I gaze upon their work I only feel sorrow, for I know such things are beyond my ability to attain. But my work continues no less, for I am not fighting for notoriety, charisma. I am fighting to silence a very loud, shrilling spite in the back of me head, he who laughs at my failures of the past. One demon died with AO, another shall fall with Black Sun. Yes, this project is not even a shadow of what it was dreamed to become, but finished it shall be all the same.

I seek to wash my hands of the misdeeds of the past, I seek to redeem myself in the eyes of doubt. This is why I hammer away at a demented, broken engine. This is why I throw away every hour of the day.
Image~[Gameproc]~Image
Warning: dialogue contains politically incorrect content. Viewer rearsore may occur.

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IskatuMesk
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Re: Post-Black Sun

Postby IskatuMesk » Sun Oct 09, 2011 2:49 pm

I have made one decision, at least.

I won't be making a bw/sc2 campaign. It is most likely I will stick to the plan for the UDK project if I move onwards from here.

Ah, inner conflict, if only I could put thee into words...
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Warning: dialogue contains politically incorrect content. Viewer rearsore may occur.

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Re: Post-Black Sun

Postby Mucky » Sun Oct 09, 2011 2:55 pm

I'm going to pester you about those BW videos every opportunity I get.

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Re: Post-Black Sun

Postby IskatuMesk » Sun Oct 09, 2011 2:56 pm

Yes. Those are on the top of my list to finish when Black Sun is dealt with.
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Re: Post-Black Sun

Postby IskatuMesk » Wed Oct 26, 2011 9:40 pm

So, I've been thinking about what video projects I'll be tackling first. Unfortunately for the BW videos, the vegas problems put this production at a really bad spot, because I was working on it in Vegas, and it happens to be huge. And I'd already done significant work on it.

I'll have to redo all of the work I've done for the BW video in another program, which I don't know what yet. I don't even want to touch After Effects for this level of compositing because it apparently can't real-time preview audio properly. Or at all. HKS mentioned that Corel (who took over PSP) has a video editing program, though he isn't in a position to really assess if it would be a suitable replacement or not - I plan to look into it.

In short, anything that required vegas to composite, .e.g the brood war videos and XXE, are going to be totally dead in the water until I find and test a replacement. XXE suffers doubly so because I had to delete all of the material I had harvested for it. I'll probably be waiting for Saints Row 3 to really get a lot of content for it again.

So, I'll probably set my sights on my sc2 casts and LP's that need catching up on. Without Black Sun's psychology looming overhead, I'll be able to invest the tremendous amount of time it will take to verify all of the stuff that isn't verified yet. I need to set up all of my software again, so this won't begin immediately.

Overall, on my list to hopefully tackle before SR3 comes out is -

Hunted
Alice
BW video
Dante's Inferno

But I'll be lucky to even get one of those out of the way. On the bright side, I'll have a ton of HD space free for new recordings, since I also took the downtime to begin my gassing operation and nuked a ton of old, previously encoded videos that were duplicated.

Although I had begun assembling resources for my UDK project, such as concept art and such, the last stretch of Black Sun has drained me wholly and utterly, and the reinstallation of windows has decimated any degree of preparation I had. The UDK is now a low priority project.
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Warning: dialogue contains politically incorrect content. Viewer rearsore may occur.

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Re: Post-Black Sun

Postby IskatuMesk » Sun Nov 06, 2011 3:42 am

I've decided what I'm at least going to try to do for a while. It's none of the things I've spoken of so far.

I'm going to try to put some time into TOA. Even if I only get a few pages done before I burn out again, it has been two years and almost no progress has been made.

So, all mod-related stuff is just being ignored for the time being. I can't really decide what to do yet, and I'm in too much pain and too burned out with audio garbage to do anything with LP's for the time being.
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Warning: dialogue contains politically incorrect content. Viewer rearsore may occur.


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