Fear

[Marco]

Just a general question for the forum goers here.  Does anyone here experience a complete lack of fear?  I don't just mean bravado or courage in certain situations, but a complete lack of fear?  Fear of being homeless?  Fear of losing a girlfriend?  Fear of death?  Fear of Blizzard sinking to the bottom of the ocean?  Whatever.

At some point in the past few months, my fears have disappeared.  I mean, completely.  Even my fear of heights.  When I was up high the other day, I concentrated firmly on the ground.  When I looked down below, I felt the spinning in my head, but not the fear.  When I looked again, the spinning wasn't even present.  I just felt nothing.  It's like I desensitized myself to it in just a minute.  I still had to go through the desensitization to that fear, but it was so quick and gentle that it was almost imperceptible.  This seems to have been the result of my studies on humanity.  Learning who we see ourselves as, learning who we really are, and learning what we can become.  Those have been the 3 key points in my studies, and right now, this incredible result of a lack of fear was a sweet fruit I picked from that vine of wisdom.  I'm wondering if it can even be called fear at this point.  If I had to describe the last remnants of my fears, I'd label it as doubt instead.  Each of those doubts are now meaningless since I only have to push on them slightly to remove them. 

It extends into my personal relationships.  Everyone I talk to, I no longer hold back.  If I have nothing to say, I say nothing without feeling that 'awkward silence'.  If I talk about any subject, I don't censor myself.  I don't apologize for my beliefs, nor do I no longer set things up anticipating rejection.  For example, "Some people might think this is crazy, but... (blah blah blah)".  I kicked that habit this week when I realized I didn't need it any more.  I still apologize if I offend someone, but out of respect, not out of fear that they won't like me.  Was it ever fear?  Does fear even exist?  Wasn't it just doubt all along?  It definitely isn't a lack of emotions, I don't feel dead.  In fact, I've never felt more alive.

[IskatuMesk]

What I feel is not inherently fear but may be seen as that way. The only thing I fear is uncertainty, not knowing where to go or which path to choose.

[Marco]

It's funny, I wrote a couple of lines for 'Celestial Reverie' the poem, which isn't really a proper poem, but more a collection of thoughts.  I know you've read the full version Mesk, but as a reminder, in it I wrote:

Let Evaporate the Water of Doubt
Forming the Cloud of Reasoning
Raining Clarity Upon the Land

and

When Fear is Gone You Will Hear
Though in Arrogant Presence It Will Blind

For me, the poem has been kinda a self fulfilling prophecy.  The goal of that poem has been unity. Unity (in my life) is being achieved through writing.  All the facets of my life which were previously in disarray are now either improving or great.  When I write Celestial Reverie (the actual campaign), I find myself learning more and more by finding insight into my own humanity through my writing.  I suppose I am taking the journey of my poem, which I kind of translate into this universe of characters and events.  It feels like an obsession at times, so I actually limited the amount of time I spend working on CR every day, just to make sure the rest of my life remains balanced as well.  I don't want the 'arrogant presence' of my own work blind me to the rest of the world, to the rest of humanity.  I also remind myself to remain humble.  My new found 'non-fear' could be used against people for my own amusement or personal gains.  I always try to remember to be attentive and considerate.

There's a saying, you can only write about what you experience.  My writing used to be so hollow.  When I very first conceived the idea of writing a campaign for SC2, I imagined a shallow tale that just follows this Ghost around while he performs missions, eventually getting betrayed by his government.  In the finale, he gets his revenge before dying a glorious death.  A typical plotline like any other, devoid of any sort of creative soul.  That slowly grew into the early version of Celestial Reverie, but a still rather hollow representation.  Thankfully, the current (and final) plot doesn't represent that original conception at all.  I did sort of put the spirit of that original plotline into one of my characters, 'Tyson Reznor', to remind me how far I've come.  Tyson walks a dark path of self destruction through both attitude and action.  He's a shallow self-indulgent character who lets ego get in the way of everything he does.  His relationship with one of the main characters, Issac, is an interesting point in the campaign.  These two opposites come to rely on each other greatly despite having completely different personalities.  Tyson is an exaggerated version of my old self, while Issac is an exaggerated version of my current self.

Everything now which I write feels like it has depth.  I can tell that I couldn't come up with a story like this in just a few months even if I started again new with everything I learned.  The slow process of being inspired, building on that inspiration, as well as incorporating my studies of humanity into the story has been a remarkable experience for me.  This hobby of mine, I've always embraced it.  But now more than ever, it's effect on me has been so profound.  I truly hope each of you can find your own 'Celestial Reverie' in your lives, your own dream of heaven.  Just writing this project has shown me so much about myself, it truly is a reflection of me.  Writing without fear is also liberating.  I used to have this urge to have the characters explain and then reexplain everything, slowing down the pace of the story.  That's gone.  So is the fear of writing about some pretty foreign concepts to people.  Concepts are only foreign until someone has the courage to introduce them to a society.

[Legion]

wow.

i'm inclined to say 'you think too much' every time you post one of these, but for some reason i don't. maybe because i can relate to most of what you're saying.

i do have fears, rational and irrational ones. i've always felt that fear isn't the right word because the feeling is 'anxiety'. it's preparing you for a reality you don't want to face because it could harm you. even irrational fears are rational, in that they strain you and make you act differently. it's also perfectly natural. if there was nothing to be afraid of, we'd become idle and possibly live much shorter lives. being on the run keeps you fit and on your toes and makes you value being momentarily at peace. if you were at peace all the time, you'd probably not value it and wanna die.

[Marco]

wow.

i'm inclined to say 'you think too much' every time you post one of these, but for some reason i don't. maybe because i can relate to most of what you're saying.

i do have fears, rational and irrational ones. i've always felt that fear isn't the right word because the feeling is 'anxiety'. it's preparing you for a reality you don't want to face because it could harm you. even irrational fears are rational, in that they strain you and make you act differently. it's also perfectly natural. if there was nothing to be afraid of, we'd become idle and possibly live much shorter lives. being on the run keeps you fit and on your toes and makes you value being momentarily at peace. if you were at peace all the time, you'd probably not value it and wanna die.

Thinking, always thinking?  That was my old motto.  I don't have to think a lot any more, things just kind of hit me now in the absence of thought.

I think you nailed it.  Preparing you for a reality you don't want to face because it could harm you.  When you're hurt though, you have to ask yourself why you're really hurt.  "Why do I feel pain when someone betrays me?  Is it the fact that they betrayed ME?  Why betray me?  I did nothing wrong."  Using this small example, you get to the root of the problem, which is almost always some form of 'why me'.  The process of simply accepting things as they are without any sort of judgment slowly removes doubt.  When you stop looking at events as good or bad, and instead view them as simply events, you can begin to appreciate the value of each event.  You can perceive everything in an equal light, and that opens your mind up to entirely new ways of handling problems.  The personal opinions of every bystander on the Earth may arouse your interest, but they no longer offend you or demand your correction.

Fear exists as an obstacle to overcome.  Initially it keeps you safe, but eventually, it overcompensates and drives you down avenues devoid of reason and clarity.  If you keep strengthening that fear system, you'll eventually find yourself doubting everything and everyone around you.  It's conditioning though, which means you can do the opposite.  Face down fears by confronting them, and by not running away in any sort of metaphorical sense.  Running away in terms of what people say can mean taking offense to what people say, or allowing people to hurt you.  We're only hurt because we're still running away.  We can't accept the new reality, so we accept the comforting and familiar reality of pain instead.  Move away from that, and then the momentum shifts into something different.  You can call it peace, you can call it bliss, you can call it love, you can basically define it.  You're no longer hiding in the ignorance and comfort of pain, and the inverse of where you are compared to that is infinitely more rewarding.

The reason I talk so passionately about this stuff is because I feel like I'm reaching that other side.  For a long time, I was just an actor trying to play the part.  Now I've stepped into the role of the character.  It's just beginning, and already I'm seeing and feeling a new reality.  When I say this reality is amazing, I'm not speaking from some motivational perspective.  It really is incredible.  You would be amazed how much better things are if you allow your perspective to change.  If you perceive only pain from your experiences, pain is what you will receive.  If when you reach the middle of the road seeing neither the high nor the low, you gain peace, and peace is what you will receive.  Therefore, you can conclude that whatever you choose to gain from each of your experiences if what you will receive.  And believe me when I say it is a choice.  It's a choice that defines us.  Many people believe these are simply motivational platitudes designed to make a person feel better for a short time.  Nothing could be further from the truth.  We define the reality of our existence. 

Just so you know, in this state, if a bull were to chase me, I'd still run.  But I'd run because I want to live, not because I don't want to die.  If someone asked me to go skydiving, my heart would still race.  But it would only race from the thrill of the fall, not from the fear of an unlikely outcome.  It doesn't make you value things less, it only makes you appreciate the parts of those experiences that should be valued.  If you WANT to value pain and experience that reality, I certainly wouldn't try to convince you otherwise.  I'm only here to show you that there is in fact, a choice.  "The world is what we make of it."  I'm sure you've heard quotes along those lines.  Those quotes were probably spoken by someone who realized what I'm explaining here.  But it really isn't that simple (and yet is).  There is a process to go through.  For me, it took years.  For you, I couldn't say.  I imagine peoples demons vary in size and strength (a size and strength of their own choosing, make no mistake).

[mAc Chaos]

It's easy to say you have no fears when you're not doing anything relatively dangerous, but I bet if you were in Iraq you'd realize you still do.

[Marco]

And it's easy to say you're not doing anything relatively dangerous, but I bet if you were in my mind a few years ago, you'd realize it can be an equally terrifying place.  Everything's circumstantial.

[Lavarinth]

I fear.

[IskatuMesk]

There's a saying, you can only write about what you experience. 

That would be why TOA is such sa huge clusterfuck of what, then.

[Myk]

Desler: What do you plan on doing with your newly lost fear?

I fear a lot of things. I've got enough courage to push those fears away when needed, at least this far. Oh yeah, and the courage to be a coward, too. That's also important.

There's a saying, you can only write about what you experience. 

That would be why TOA is such sa huge clusterfuck of what, then.

Experience, memory and imagination fuels the writing pretty well. Fear might also be a good ingredient. A lot of stories are precautionary tales.

[Marco]

Should I be doing anything?  I'm writing, I'm improving my life, my relationships, and my character.  What else is one supposed to do with a lack of fear?  Should I go to Six Flags and ride the scariest ride?  Should I run with the bulls in Spain?  Should I go walk over some hot coals?  Those things aren't really a part of me right now.  Maybe they would be if I tried them.  

The only thing I'm really cautioning myself against doing is being arrogant.  I wondered if declaring myself lacking fear was arrogant, though I felt like I should talk about it.  The phrase, "I'm not afraid of being proved wrong" comes to mind.  Maybe if someone did prove me wrong, I'd be willing to accept that it wasn't a lack of fear, but a new level of confidence.  It doesn't feel that way.  It's true I no longer feel insecurity, but it isn't like instant confidence or lack of inhibition.  I still try to use good judgment when speaking with people or choosing to do something.  I still have to work out my problems with the lessons I've learned as a guideline.  If a stress in life comes up, I still feel it.  I was surprised that my gut still wrenches at times, but I don't give it any power or dwell on what's bothering me.  I always think back to my favorite quote of all time, "Do the best you can, and let the rest take care of itself."  A clean simple message that tells you face your problems as best you can, and don't attach yourself to the outcome.  I felt this lack of fear for about a month now, and it's hasn't been about testing it or pushing it to its limits, but rather accepting it.  

I've deluded myself in the past to thinking I moved past my character flaws, and this doesn't feel the same.  I've moved past trying to fix myself, and instead accept things as they are.  This feels like the culmination of years of study, logic, reasoning, wisdom, feeling, and emotional resonance.  In the past, I've always been empathic to other people's feelings and extremely sensitive to my own.  I over analyze people and situations.  I tend to annoy people at times.  Those things haven't changed about me.

Why be so over analytical and invested in this stuff?  It's just who I am.  I really do want to see what is going on in the mind of others.  The best way to do that is to first understand myself and the truth of my character.

[Rocco]

Big bugs.

[Milldawg]

"Should I run with the bulls in Spain?"

'Cause you said you were gonna!

[Marco]

Anything that doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  But anything that kills you, kills you.

[RazorclawX]

Fear... so exhilerating.
Despair... so delicious.